Latest study links marijuana use to pitching success

San Fransisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum was cited for misdemeanor marijuana use following a traffic stop in Hazel Dell, Washington on Halloween eve. When reached for comment the former Cy Young award winner said, "Dude, it was prescribed to me by the team coaching staff."

"Well Tim used to get all nervous and jittery on the mound and had trouble locating his fastball," said head trainer Dave Groeschner. "We found that a bong hit 15 minutes before first pitch at home games and about an hour before road games helped calm his nerves. Then you just give him a puff off of a one-hitter as needed between innings and BAM, instant ace. Just look at his dramatic improvement in ERA and WHIP from year one to year two! We actually got the idea from [Pittsburgh Steelers' head trainer] John Norwig who found substituting tequila for water in [kicker] Jeff Reed's water bottle helped with pressure kicks."

Shocking news

Sometimes in life things happen that you can never predict. In the sporting world, Eli Manning can run around like a scared child, his entire offensive line will hold the opposing defensive line and get away with it, he'll throw up a pass on a wing and a prayer, and David Tyree will catch the ball with his fucking helmet. You just can't predict things like this happening. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have this: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited for public intoxication. How fucking drunk does Jeff Reed have to get before someone says, "You know what? NOW he's too drunk!"