Monday morning hangover

img

This is not a recurring column in which I wrap up the previous day's football games. I am actually just hungover. I swear to fuck PBR and fried food seemed like a good idea at the time. Instead I'll just recap my favorite plays that I actually remember watching yesterday.

1. Super Mario Bros 3

Goddamn that game is fun when you're drunk and people are heckling you. I have a feeling this may become a weekly part of my football watching experience.


img

2. Hakeem Nicks 62 yard touchdown reception*

Elly predictably floats a pass over his receiver's head. Rather than letting it flutter harmlessly to the ground Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie attempted to bat the ball to the ground but instead popped it up in the air. A very alert Nicks adjusted his route, caught the ball, and scampered in to the end zone. High-fives ensued.


(NOTE: for some reason there's no picture of this so here's Elly looking goofy)
img

3. Adrian Peterson 29 yard catch and run

Sure it was a pretty play highlighted by Peterson absolutely pancaking the defensive back who tried to tackle him at the point of reception, but that's not why it made the list. Peterson tired himself out on this play and had to leave the game replaced by Chester Taylor. Two plays later Taylor lazily waved at a high but catch-able screen pass like a stoned kid trying to catch a butterfly. The ball went straight through his hands into the waiting arms of Keyaron Fox who returned the interception for the game clinching touchdown.


img

4. LaMarr Woodley 77 fumble recovery returned for a touchdown

What made this play great? Brett Keisel's awesome strip sack of Brett Favre. Not only is strip sack a great name for, well, anything, but old man Favre looked quite old on the play, and sadly his legacy has been reduced to everyone rooting against his waffling old ass.


img

*NOTE: I actually forgot all about this play until I saw a highlight of it on ESPN this morning. Again, PBR and fried food.

Shocking news

Sometimes in life things happen that you can never predict. In the sporting world, Eli Manning can run around like a scared child, his entire offensive line will hold the opposing defensive line and get away with it, he'll throw up a pass on a wing and a prayer, and David Tyree will catch the ball with his fucking helmet. You just can't predict things like this happening. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have this: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited for public intoxication. How fucking drunk does Jeff Reed have to get before someone says, "You know what? NOW he's too drunk!"

RESPECT THE LONG SNAPPER!

When Pittsburgh's long snapper Greg Warren tried to walk off the field following a third quarter punt his knee buckled in an excruciatingly unnatural way and he crumpled to the field. The same thought immediately shot through everyone's minds: January 5th, 2003. OK, maybe everyone else was concerned for Warren, who tore his ACL and is done for the year, but all I could think of is the second greatest postseason collapse in NFL history, when the Giants blew a 38-14 3rd quarter lead to lose 39-38. That particularly painful game ended with a botched snap on a potential game-winning field goal. Predictably, Ben Roethlisberger threw an interception on Pittsburgh's next possession to alleviate the pressure on the special teams, but standing in the shadow of their own goal line in the 4th quarter the Steelers were not so lucky. Linebacker James Harrison was tabbed to be the emergency long snapper, presumably because he was standing too close to Mike "Don't Call me Fucking Omar Epps" Tomlin when the coach was looking for a backup. Harrison flang the ball out the back of the end zone, made all the more hilarious because punter Mitch Berger had to limp after it on a pulled hamstring to make sure it went out the end zone and the Giants couldn't recover it for a touchdown. The Steelers were forced to kick the ball away, which Tomlin made Berger do after the punter made an Omar Epps crack, and the Giants would drive down for their only touchdown of the game.

Well that was an upset

The Steelers came from behind last night to beat the Ravens 23-20 in overtime, but that was not the upset. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Steelers were favored by more than 3 points, but a solid Ravens team covering the spread was not the upset. The Steelers had four players leave the game last night with injuries, at least two of whom are done for the year, and NONE of them were Ben Roethlisberger. Now THAT'S an upset.

Maybe it's just brain damage

No one would ever accuse Ben Roethlisberger of being the smartest guy in the world. It is possible that Big Ben's decision to try and stop a Chrysler with his forehead might have had a negative impact on his cognitive ability. It is also possible that his offensive line is just terrible. According to Pat Kirwan on NFL.com, Ben is on pace to get crushed like nobody since David Carr behind the expansion Texans' 2002 offensive line. Now I'm no doctor but I'm guessing that with all his poor brain has been through already, getting this guy hit like a Mets' relief pitcher is probably bad for his long term ability to play quarterback, to say nothing of shoveling Lucky Charms into his mouth. On the bright side, the Steelers play the Ravens this weekend and it's not like they're well known for defense or anything. What's that? Oh.

Splat!

In what has to be one of the more entertaining 3-0 NFL games you will ever see, the Steelers kept the Dolphins hopes for a perfect season alive last night. The highlight of the game by far was watching the slow, painful descent into insanity by the die-hard Steelers fan on my couch. Dip your hair in marinara sauce? No problem! Dunk the tips into your beer, it adds flavor!

On the field, the highlight of the game and the play that epitomized the field conditions was a Dolphins punt that stuck straight into the ground. Afterwards, the talking heads speculated on the safety of the players in such conditions. That's funny. Ricky Williams had to leave the game after he was stepped on by a 300 pound defensive lineman while laying prone on the ground. Jesse Chapman left with a neck injury in the third quarter following a violent head on collision with a defensive back. At one point the announcers joked about comparing a James Harrison sack of John Beck to getting into a rear end collision in your car. Yet somehow after the game the analysts decided to worry about the footing on the field. Believe me, if these guys were worried about slipping in some mud, they would have taken up a sensible game like baseball, or badminton.

Football weekend!

The UConn men's basketball team was slaughtered by Memphis on Friday night. This was expected and I did not watch it. I just wanted to have something in here that was not about football.

Saturday the UConn football team ran all up and down on Syracuse in their home finale. This sets up a titanic clash between the Huskies and the Mountaineers of West Virginia next Saturday in Morgantown for the Big East championship. The winner of that game will represent the Big East in the BCS in January. This is a potentially huge thing for the Huskies. Traditionally, basketball powers do not excel in football and vice versa. The exception seems to be the University of Florida, but Connecticut is only a few years removed from being a I-AA school. A nationally televised bowl game on the biggest stage with a $15 million payout will be a coup for recruiting. Head coach Randy Edsel's name will be bandied about for the most sought after jobs in the country. Now in all likelihood West Virginia will run the Huskies off the field, but still, UConn should get a major bowl birth and some wonderful TV recognition. Also, their starting quarterback is the younger brother of the Giants Jared Lorenzen, or as I like to call him the Fat Kid.

There were three key NFL games this weekend, and by key I mean I watched three games. First up were the Giants on FOX winning a huge game on the road against a good Lions team. Pending the status of Brandon Jacobs hamstring, the Giants look poised to be a team that will lose a divisional playoff game to either Green Bay or Dallas in the second round of the playoffs. Burress had himself a game worthy of last season, mixing the spectacular catch with the inexplicable drop. The defensive backfield once again chose to let their opponents top receiver run uncovered downfield, but the defensive line had another huge game and Manning continues to look like a real NFL quarterback. The emergence of Jacobs as a receiver out of the backfield and a capable blocker picking up the blitz is adding a new dimension to the offense to complement his bruising running attack.

Second the Steelers got caught in a classic trap game against the woeful Jets. Coming off a dramatic comeback win against a feisty Browns team, Pittsburgh kicked off the easiest part of their schedule by failing to show up to New Jersey. To be fair, no one ever really wants to go to Jersey, but the NFL scheduled the game and there is no excuse to not win. The Jets boasted one of the NFL's worst rushing defenses, figuring to get pushed all over the field by the physical Steelers. Fast Willie Parker was more Wee Willie than Fast Willie this week and often found himself slipping to the ground before the first tackler had a chance to drop him for a loss. The defense failed time and again to stop the Jets offense who lost their top receiver to injury early in the game. I have no thoughts about this game except that if they blow off next week's Monday nighter to the Dolphins and ruin Miami's perfect season they should be forced to forfeit all their previous wins to the Bengals and Browns. That was just not good enough boys.

Sunday night saw New England continue their march to perfection with an absolute drubbing of the Bills. The interesting thing to me is that we were discussing how big a spread would have to be on the game for you to take Buffalo. At one point I observed that if you were allowed to bet extra that the Patriots would double the spread, you would have been safe laying up to 23 points. It turns out that late last week the spread was 16. Really? Vegas was having people take the Bills +16 points? Have bettors completely ignored the entire Patriots season up to this point? Needless to say that if I were a betting man, I'd take the Patriots and give the points for next week's Eagles game. For all the people complaining that the Patriots are being poor sports and running up the score? You are darned right they are, and it is fantastic!

Not a great day to be a Manning.

November 11th was not a particularly memorable for the Manning family. Eli went 23/34 for 236 yards, 1 touchdown and 2 interceptions in a home loss to the division-leading Cowboys. Peyton went 34/56 for 328 yards, 2 touchdowns and a career-high 6 interceptions in a road loss to the underachieving Chargers. Cooper sat at home watching the games unfold and thought to himself "Well F me, I can do that! Where's my millions of dollars?"

It was interesting to watch the end of the Chargers versus Colts game when the most clutch kicker of all time, Adam Vinatieri missed a chip shot 29 yard field goal that would have given the Colts the lead with 90 seconds to play. Apparently all the times Mike "The Idiot Kicker" Vanderjagt missed key field goals that lost his team the game were not his fault. It turns out that Peyton's giant head actually alters the flight of the ball. A similar phenomenon was observed in Pittsburgh where the metal plate in Ben Roethlisberger's head that prevents (any more of) his brain from leaking out his ears had just enough drag on Cleveland's potential game-tying field goal to preserve the victory.

The Giants game featured costly penalties, bone-headed turnovers, and an utter inability to stop Terrell Owens. In other words it was a typical Giants game. The Giants might well be the third best team in the NFC, but no have virtually no shot of catching the Cowboys for the NFC East lead, meaning they will be playing a road game at either the West or South winner if they make the playoffs. As has been proven in the Giants' three losses this season, any team with a decent passing attack can shred their secondary. At least Eli has learned to mostly hide his tears on the field. His voice barely cracks anymore when he's calling out his audibles!

In news that surely escaped the mainstream media, Mets All Stars David Wright (third base) and Carlos Beltran (outfield) paired their recent gold gloves with silver sluggers. Now there is no more unabashed David Wright supporter than I am, but even I am willing to admit his gold glove was a farce. The man practically led the league in errors from his position! Not exactly what you're looking for in your gold glove defenders. I would like to tip my cap to Carlos Beltran who has managed to put up 3 consecutive typically excellent years patrolling center field for the Mets. It is an extremely difficult outfield to play, especially when your starting corner outfielders have the combined range of a lamp post. You hear a lot about the Mets wanting to trade Beltran to rid themselves of his contract, which upsets me on any number of levels. Where else are you going to find a gold glove outfielder who hits .270 with 30+ home runs and 100+ RBIs every year? What more do they want from him? It's not like they're hurting for money, they play in New York City and have their own cable company for crying out loud! Also, David Wright is dreamy.