Big Ben sacked by bye week

You've heard the jokes dozens of times before. For example:

The Mets had the day off yesterday, but lost a heartbreaker in the 10th inning after the bullpen couldn't hold a late lead. David Wright was lost for the season when he took a practice swing.

Fuck, now I'm just depressed. Anyway, Big Ben Roethlisberger was actually sacked for the 20th time this season during the bye week. When reached for comment, the large quarterback sniffled, "Fat man landed on my owie," while pointing at his chest. Presumably he meant his ribs.

Fuck you and your "Super" Bowl!

I only consider a bowl super if it is filled with monkeys. Delicious monkeys! But since every blogger with a moderately functional brain has to make a prediction for this weekend, I will join the party. Now all the so called experts are going to throw brilliant analysis out there using "facts" and "statistics" which everyone knows never ever works. 93.7% of all people I've polled on the subject told me to go fuck myself. I probably should have tried somewhere besides the maternity ward, but where else can you pick up loose women? Anyway, as this picture proves without a shadow of a doubt, even Steelers fans know Ben Roethlisberger has only been able to throw to receivers in dark jerseys since attempting to stop a Buick with his forehead.


So what color jerseys are the Steelers going to be wearing on Sunday? Yep, the Stillerz be fucked. Look for Roethlisberger to throw 5 touchdown passes. Unfortunately, only two will be to Steelers receivers. The Cardinals win in a laugher, 38-14.

And we're back!

You know what sucks? Football! You want football blogs go ANYWHERE else. There's a billion of those fucking things because anyone with a pulse and a partially functioning brain can write about football. Hell, some of them can even play quarterback!



You want hockey updates? Me too! I found out last night that Charter took NESN HD away from me (just me), so the one fucking channel that shows regular hockey games up and disappeared. That's OK, it's not like they're one of the top teams in the NHL or anything. Fuckers.

So why did I come back? Well, pitchers and catchers report in about a month, so excitement for REAL sports is brewing, but mostly I came back to relive the past. Once upon a time there was a phenomenon. It was tall. It was white. It was tattooed. And it was goofy looking. BOY was it goofy looking. It's name was Kevin Pittsnogle, and not only could it shoot the hell out of a basketball, it was potentially human! So whatever happened to the 6'11 sharpshooter with an affinity for dueling banjos? Good question. Fortunately, John Branch of the New York Times has the answer. My favorite part of the article? His daughter's name is Amyyah. I envision the doctors asking the Pittsnogles what they would like to name their new daughter, and Mr. Pittsnogle in an entirely unintentional Goofy impression going "Heheheyah! Heheheyah! Amyyah! Heheheyah!"

Your friday question of the day

How the fuck did games against Seattle and San Fransisco magically heal the Cowboys offensive line? Tony Romo comes back and all of a sudden all is right with the world! Never mind that the Boys modest three game winning streak came against the Seahawks, Niners, and overrated Redskins. Remember Romo running for his life every game? He was like a prettier, smarter, less robotic Ben Roethlisberger. The Dallas struggles without Romo weren't solely due to the collective ineptitude of Brad Johnson and Brooks Bollinger. Their offensive line is fat, unathletic, and generally uninterested in blocking. Against inferior defenses in blowout victories, Dallas rushed for a combined 190 yards the past two weeks. What are they going to do against Pittsburgh when Romo drops back to pass 30-something times? I actually look forward Big Ben running onto the field after a particularly brutal Romo sack, opening up the access panel to his innards and asking, "You need spleen? Science man give Ben three!"

RESPECT THE LONG SNAPPER!

When Pittsburgh's long snapper Greg Warren tried to walk off the field following a third quarter punt his knee buckled in an excruciatingly unnatural way and he crumpled to the field. The same thought immediately shot through everyone's minds: January 5th, 2003. OK, maybe everyone else was concerned for Warren, who tore his ACL and is done for the year, but all I could think of is the second greatest postseason collapse in NFL history, when the Giants blew a 38-14 3rd quarter lead to lose 39-38. That particularly painful game ended with a botched snap on a potential game-winning field goal. Predictably, Ben Roethlisberger threw an interception on Pittsburgh's next possession to alleviate the pressure on the special teams, but standing in the shadow of their own goal line in the 4th quarter the Steelers were not so lucky. Linebacker James Harrison was tabbed to be the emergency long snapper, presumably because he was standing too close to Mike "Don't Call me Fucking Omar Epps" Tomlin when the coach was looking for a backup. Harrison flang the ball out the back of the end zone, made all the more hilarious because punter Mitch Berger had to limp after it on a pulled hamstring to make sure it went out the end zone and the Giants couldn't recover it for a touchdown. The Steelers were forced to kick the ball away, which Tomlin made Berger do after the punter made an Omar Epps crack, and the Giants would drive down for their only touchdown of the game.

Just like everyone predicted

Your 2008 American League Champion...Tampa Bay D**** Rays? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with a team dropping the word "Devil" from their name to pander to the religious right and then suddenly becoming one of the very best in their sport. They weren't associated with the devil people, it's the name of a fucking animal! Like a Cardinal, or a Padre! Anyway, the D**** Rays spared us the horrors of Red Sox fans crowing following yet another improbable series comeback, and set up what is sure to be one of the least watched World Series of all time.

The New York Giants put the 49ers away late, but did not look particularly awesome doing it. Still, a win is a win and the team is now 5-1 heading into the brutal rest of their schedule. Next week the Giants travel to Pittsburgh to take on the flying Polamalus who took care of the lowly Bengals yesterday. It should be an interesting matchup as the Stillerz love to throw the ball and can't block anyone, and the Giants D line is pretty good. On the bright side, it seems unlikely that Ben Roethlisberger can get any MORE concussed.

Well that was an upset

The Steelers came from behind last night to beat the Ravens 23-20 in overtime, but that was not the upset. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Steelers were favored by more than 3 points, but a solid Ravens team covering the spread was not the upset. The Steelers had four players leave the game last night with injuries, at least two of whom are done for the year, and NONE of them were Ben Roethlisberger. Now THAT'S an upset.

Maybe it's just brain damage

No one would ever accuse Ben Roethlisberger of being the smartest guy in the world. It is possible that Big Ben's decision to try and stop a Chrysler with his forehead might have had a negative impact on his cognitive ability. It is also possible that his offensive line is just terrible. According to Pat Kirwan on NFL.com, Ben is on pace to get crushed like nobody since David Carr behind the expansion Texans' 2002 offensive line. Now I'm no doctor but I'm guessing that with all his poor brain has been through already, getting this guy hit like a Mets' relief pitcher is probably bad for his long term ability to play quarterback, to say nothing of shoveling Lucky Charms into his mouth. On the bright side, the Steelers play the Ravens this weekend and it's not like they're well known for defense or anything. What's that? Oh.

Oh for fuck's sake!

Pedro did his best audition for a coveted spot in the Mets bullpen by sucking against the Nationals last night. Of course, it doesn't matter how many runs your starters or bullpen yield if your offense fails to generate more than one run against John Lannan. Who? Exactly. After the bullpen gave away two leads over the weekend, and let the game get out of hand last night, the Mets find themselves ahead by a single game in the all-important loss column.

In other news, here is a hilarious interview between Andrea Kramer and Ben Roethlisberger where he refuses to answer questions about his injured shoulder. You could make the case he just didn't want to talk about the injury. Personally I am not entirely sure Big Ben knows what a shoulder is and didn't want to give an answer that would make him look stupid.