Breaking news!

Red Sox fans are idiots! Wait, that's not the breaking news. Everyone knows that. Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox just threw a perfect game, either the 16th or 17th in Major League history, depending on which page of ESPN.com you happen to be looking at. This is Buehrle's second no-hitter, apparently. I called a friend who is a Red Sox fan whose comment was, "Wow, I guess you don't have to be very good to throw a no-hitter." Interesting, looking at his stats it looks like he's been pretty good for a pretty long time. "Well, yeah, but he'd be the #3 starter on the Red Sox." Wait, behind John Lester? The guy whose numbers are about the same but a little worse in every way except strikeouts? "I guess I'm a little biased because Lester's the better fantasy pitcher." That's right, that's the guy you want starting game 2 of a playoff series, the guy with better fantasy stats. That's why all the best GMs in baseball are fantasy nerds. Personally, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Buehrle due to his tendency to eat babies straight from the mother's womb.

Alexander Ovechkin is a beautiful man

He is either the prettiest ugly man or the ugliest pretty man in the world, I can't decide. I mean seriously, it's not a face you'd want to see at any point, ever, but he does shit like this:



That's actually harder than it looks. Coming soon...I'll learn how to hide those behind a link! Naw, I'm just kidding, that seems hard and I'm very stupid.

Get PUMPED America! The weekend of Martin Luther King Jr's birthday we inaugurate our nation's first ever non-white president AND they play the most diverse of games in the world, hockey, as the Capitals host the Bruins. Anyone? Anyone? Well, Willie O'Ree played for the Bruins. Wait, the Boston team broke the color barrier? You mean the same city whose baseball team had a quota for black players until the 70s? Hockey for the win, bitches!

Just like everyone predicted

Your 2008 American League Champion...Tampa Bay D**** Rays? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with a team dropping the word "Devil" from their name to pander to the religious right and then suddenly becoming one of the very best in their sport. They weren't associated with the devil people, it's the name of a fucking animal! Like a Cardinal, or a Padre! Anyway, the D**** Rays spared us the horrors of Red Sox fans crowing following yet another improbable series comeback, and set up what is sure to be one of the least watched World Series of all time.

The New York Giants put the 49ers away late, but did not look particularly awesome doing it. Still, a win is a win and the team is now 5-1 heading into the brutal rest of their schedule. Next week the Giants travel to Pittsburgh to take on the flying Polamalus who took care of the lowly Bengals yesterday. It should be an interesting matchup as the Stillerz love to throw the ball and can't block anyone, and the Giants D line is pretty good. On the bright side, it seems unlikely that Ben Roethlisberger can get any MORE concussed.

This feels oddly familiar

Scott Kazmir pitched 6 gutsy innings last night turning over a 7-0 lead to his bullpen a mere 9 outs from the World Series. 2 and 2/3 disastrous innings later, the Sawks had an improbably 8-7 victory. When reached for comment Aaron Heilman scoffed, "I can do that." The Sawks have overcome ALCS deficits of 3 games to 0 and 3 games to 1 the last two times they've won the World Series, which means that 3-1 deficit this year really WAS right where they wanted to be. Game 6 is Sunday night back in Tampa, where the injured Josh Beckett takes on tough luck game 1 loser James Shields.

College football blows

I always kind of defended it. You know, it's cute, sure the players aren't as good but the passion of the fans is there man. Then I spent a weekend surrounded by fucking Gator fans doing the fucking Gator chomp. I am here to tell you, this is a proven fact, I have the goddamned police report to prove it. If you're 30 years old and spend an entire wedding on the dance floor doing the Gator chomp, I can hit you with a fucking chair. At a certain point you have to grow up, put a bra on, and understand that the more civilized among us are going to wander away from a bunch of drunken, obnoxious kids reliving their college glory days to go watch the baseball game.

In interesting news, the Red Sox and Rays split over the weekend. Dice K flirted with a no-hitter in game 1 after walking the bases loaded in the first inning. I still think they should be able to hit him with a bat when he's nibbling like that. Game 2 was a very different affair with a record-tying 7 home runs. It was just what you expect in a matchup of aces Scott Kazmir and Josh Beckett. Oh yeah, you might expect a low-scoring affair with lots of strikeouts. Well, they're both hurt and it showed. Game 3 is this afternoon.

The Dodgers finally got on the board against Philadelphia, proving once again that Jamie Moyer completely sucks in the postseason. Of course on the radio they are wondering why the Dodgers will start Derek Lowe on 3 days rest tonight instead of a 40-something year old soft-tosser in Greg Maddux. Obviously Mr. Cowherd did not pay any attention to what happened to the last 40 year old soft tosser who started in this series. I mean honestly, who remembers ALL the way back to last night? That bottle of scotch wasn't going to drink itself!

Mets sign Manuel

In the interest of keeping the Manuel manager ratio in the NL East up at least 40%, the Mets signed Gangsta Jerry Manuel to a 2 year contract. Manuel led the Mets to dramatic turnaround this season, only to watch the team collapse under the weight of its ineffective bullpen. I was a big fan of the job Manuel did this season, but more important David was a fan, and dammit that's good enough for me!

In news of teams that actually made the playoffs, the D**** Rays and Sawks took 2-0 leads in their respective series, the latter leading to Boston fans everywhere popping their collars and smashing empty Budweiser cans on their heads in delight.

At least I'm consistent!

EVERY team I root for loses. Need proof? In the LDS, I'm rooting for the Cubs, against the Phillies (FUCK Philadelphia), and against the insufferable Red Sox fans. Three games were played last night, and who won? That's right, the Phillies over the Brewers, the Dodgers over the Cubs, and Red Sox over humanity. I mean the Red Sox over the Angels. As an interesting side note, the Red Sox have now won 10 consecutive postseason games over the Angels, tying the record set by the A's who won 10 straight in October against the Red Sox.

I ran out of nice things to say

Boston fans, this is why everyone hates you.



My favorite part is when they take 20 second to rag on Yankees and Yankee fans in the middle of their pro-Patriots music video. I have to hand it to them, their analysis is dead on accurate. Neither the Yankees nor their fans would be able to defeat the Patriots in a professional football game.