Elisha Cuthbert has been avenged!

We've all seen the movie Sudden Death. OK, some people have seen Sudden Death. Fuck, even I haven't seen Sudden Death, but the premise of the movie is Jean Claude Van Damme dons the goalie equipment for an injured Pittsburgh Penguin and steps on the ice to make a key save in game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Also, there's bad guys and martial arts and in a surprise twist Van Damme kicks the shit out of everyone and saves the day. But that's just a movie right? I mean, shit like that doesn't happen in real life, does it? Au contraire mon ami! Meet Jack Bauer, all 5'9" of him.


When Jack appears, your day is about to get FUCKED UP, and there's nothing you can do. Agent Bauer took extreme offense to the off color remarks Sean Avery made about the actress who plays his daughter on TV and he wasn't about to let some damned Russians avenge her honor. OH NO! During a 3rd period TV timeout, Bauer jumped Sergei Federov on the bench, knocked him clean out and donned his equipment. So disguised, Bauerov calmly fired the game-winning goal just under the crossbar with 5 minutes to go, sealing the Capitals improbable comeback from a 3-1 series deficit.

NHL Playoffs Bonanza!

The most exciting 32 weeks in sports kicks off tonight, the Stanley Cup Playoffs! I could give you some expert analysis about who would win based on their matchups and goaltending, but I'm lazy and you wouldn't read anyway. Instead I'll do this NCAA pool style and pick by mascots.

Eastern Conference

1 Bruins v 8 Canadiens

We have bears versus a derogatory name for people who live in Canada. I'm going with Steven Colbert on this one. Bears, er, Bruins in 4.


2 Capitals v 7 Rangers

People with guns already rule Washington, so the obvious pick in this theme would be the Rangers, but you know what? Fuck Sean Avery! Capitals in 4.


3 Devils v 6 Hurricanes

Hurricanes fuck shit up. It's what they do. Of course, Devils are minions of Satan, whereas hurricanes are tools of good. Why else would they only attack the south? Anyway, 2000-2008 taught us anything, it's that evil always beats good in real life, so look for the dark lord to best the almighty this time in a hard fought 7 game series.


4 Penguins v 5 Flyers

What the fuck is a flyer? Fuck it, I'm assuming the penguins are the bad ass ones with missiles on their back from Batman Returns, therefore they will shoot their way to victory.


Western Conference

1 Sharks v 8 Ducks

They're not even the Mighty Ducks anymore. If they were mighty, maybe, but I think we all agree the Sharks come out on top on this one. Sharks in 3. The 4th game won't happen after all the Ducks get eaten.


2 Red Wings v 7 Blue Jackets

Blue Jackets...that's too bad. If they were yellow jackets they could fuck up a bunch of wings, but the blue ones? Um, we have something that seems to be a bird versus something that sounds like I should be wearing with beige pants, so I guess I'm going with the animal over the textile this time. Let's give it Wings in 7 and just move on.


3 Canucks v 6 Blues

We have another case of a derogatory term for Canadian citizens taking on an opponent, this time...depression. Normally this would be a no brainer, as most Canadians have to be depressed enough to be living in Canada but manage to plod along. In this case Vancouver is a fucking awesome city if you ignore the unemployment and meth problem, so the Blues will be a new feeling for them. It'll be a hard fought struggle to the end, but the Blues will come out on top in 7.


4 Blackhawks v 5 Flames

Hey look, it's the one team that uses a Native American (Indian, American Indian, what are we using these days?) as a mascot that actually honors its heritage! A noble mascot with a proud name. Too bad American history taught us that the natives didn't fare too well against fire. Look for the Flames to win in a matchup that won't be as exciting as it probably should be, let's say 5 games.


I was going to keep this going down to the finals, but I lost interest. Also, I couldn't decide who would win between sharks and fire. I mean, you throw a shark in fire and I'm pretty sure it burns, but sharks live in water, which it turns out is fire's biggest weakness (except in Ohio). Needless to say, the Devils will heft Lord Stanley's cup. Fuck.

Speaking of sloppy seconds

Everyone's favorite toothless misogynist is coming to Hartford! Desperate to regain some of the toughness, heart, and venereal disease lost when Sean Avery signed a monster contract with the Dallas Stars in the offseason, the reeling New York Rangers signed the troubled winger to a minor league contract. Look for Avery to spend a week or two in Hartford to shake some of the rust off and learn to really appreciate how great it is to be in New York. Hurry out to New England's Rising Star for the chance to shout insults and taunts at 1/10th the price of NHL tickets. Throwing things at him is also highly recommended if you don't mind an armed escort out of the building. And just so we remember, here is the inspiration for Avery's tirade that earned him a one-way ticket from Dallas to Hartford, Miss Elisha Cuthbert!

Weekly round up

So plenty of interesting stories have been ignored by yours truly this week. For starters, Plaxico Burress has been told to just go home. It is a sad end to the Giants career for the man who may well be the most talented receiver to ever strap on the pads for Big Blue. It turns out that he is kind of a douche bag. From what I understand had Burress just been your average clubgoer, he probably would have been able to get away without jail time. Since Mayor Bloomberg decided to make an example out of him, it will be almost impossible for Burress to avoid the slammer. On the bright side, it will be much harder for Plax to shoot himself in the leg on the inside.

Quickly, in a story that absolutely no one cares about, the Houston Comets of the WNBA folded earlier this week. The Comets won the first four WNBA championships, led by Cynthia Cooper who won the league's first two MVPs. The WNBA will probably survive the current economic crisis, but it is a testament to how much trouble any pro league that is not the NFL, MLB, or NBA faces right now.

In another story no one cares about, I saw something in a hockey game that I've never ever seen before. Ryan Malone of the Tampa Bay Lightning blocked a shot from a Philadelphia defenseman and sprung himself on a breakaway in the waning seconds of a tie game. As he made his move a hockey glove came flying across the screen. My jaw dropped, which created something of a mess as I was brushing my teeth at the time. An NHL player had actually thrown a piece of equipment at a guy on a breakaway. That is an automatic penalty shot, giving Malone a free chance at essentially ending the game right then and there. Of course the goalie bailed out his player, Malone ended up taking a penalty in overtime that led to the game-winning power play goal, but still, HE THREW HIS FUCKING GLOVE!

And finally, in somewhat sad and amusing news, the talented but troubled Sean Avery, former Vogue intern, managed to talk his way right out of the league. Avery has been suspended indefinitely after musing before Tuesday night's game against Calgary about Flames' star Dion Phaneuf's relationship with Avery's ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert. In a pre-game interview Avery walked over to a group of reporters and said, "I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada. I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight." Awesome. Avery will probably get another shot in the NHL someday because he is just too talented not to, but he managed to cost himself millions along the way. Good for you, Sean, good for you.

Now, to make this all worthwhile...Elisha Cuthbert!

Sean Avery hospitalized with a lacerated spleen

It just goes to show you that sometimes bad things happen to bad people. Get well soon Mr. Avery, just not TOO soon.