NHL Playoffs Bonanza!

The most exciting 32 weeks in sports kicks off tonight, the Stanley Cup Playoffs! I could give you some expert analysis about who would win based on their matchups and goaltending, but I'm lazy and you wouldn't read anyway. Instead I'll do this NCAA pool style and pick by mascots.

Eastern Conference

1 Bruins v 8 Canadiens

We have bears versus a derogatory name for people who live in Canada. I'm going with Steven Colbert on this one. Bears, er, Bruins in 4.


2 Capitals v 7 Rangers

People with guns already rule Washington, so the obvious pick in this theme would be the Rangers, but you know what? Fuck Sean Avery! Capitals in 4.


3 Devils v 6 Hurricanes

Hurricanes fuck shit up. It's what they do. Of course, Devils are minions of Satan, whereas hurricanes are tools of good. Why else would they only attack the south? Anyway, 2000-2008 taught us anything, it's that evil always beats good in real life, so look for the dark lord to best the almighty this time in a hard fought 7 game series.


4 Penguins v 5 Flyers

What the fuck is a flyer? Fuck it, I'm assuming the penguins are the bad ass ones with missiles on their back from Batman Returns, therefore they will shoot their way to victory.


Western Conference

1 Sharks v 8 Ducks

They're not even the Mighty Ducks anymore. If they were mighty, maybe, but I think we all agree the Sharks come out on top on this one. Sharks in 3. The 4th game won't happen after all the Ducks get eaten.


2 Red Wings v 7 Blue Jackets

Blue Jackets...that's too bad. If they were yellow jackets they could fuck up a bunch of wings, but the blue ones? Um, we have something that seems to be a bird versus something that sounds like I should be wearing with beige pants, so I guess I'm going with the animal over the textile this time. Let's give it Wings in 7 and just move on.


3 Canucks v 6 Blues

We have another case of a derogatory term for Canadian citizens taking on an opponent, this time...depression. Normally this would be a no brainer, as most Canadians have to be depressed enough to be living in Canada but manage to plod along. In this case Vancouver is a fucking awesome city if you ignore the unemployment and meth problem, so the Blues will be a new feeling for them. It'll be a hard fought struggle to the end, but the Blues will come out on top in 7.


4 Blackhawks v 5 Flames

Hey look, it's the one team that uses a Native American (Indian, American Indian, what are we using these days?) as a mascot that actually honors its heritage! A noble mascot with a proud name. Too bad American history taught us that the natives didn't fare too well against fire. Look for the Flames to win in a matchup that won't be as exciting as it probably should be, let's say 5 games.


I was going to keep this going down to the finals, but I lost interest. Also, I couldn't decide who would win between sharks and fire. I mean, you throw a shark in fire and I'm pretty sure it burns, but sharks live in water, which it turns out is fire's biggest weakness (except in Ohio). Needless to say, the Devils will heft Lord Stanley's cup. Fuck.