I know you've all been waiting anxiously

I'm hoping I can now speak rationally about the events from Sunday evening. Here is my expert analysis of the Giants upset victory over the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII:

YYYYYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! BLAAAAARGHHHHWAHBOOMBAH!!!!!

Fuck beans! That didn't work. Let me try again.

WOOOOOOHOOHOHOOOOOBANANARAMADINGDONG!!!!!

Little bit better. One more stab.


Seriously, think about the key play from the Super Bowl. You all know the play I'm talking about. If you don't then FUCKING KILL YOURSELF! Sorry, I think the game gave me a weird form of Tourette's. Eli Manning, a quarterback generally considered to have the mobility of a dessicated corpse, escapes the grasp of two Patriots defenders and scrambles to the outside. He spots an open David Tyree down field, and by open I mean double-covered. He flings up the ball which Tyree leaps up to grab, at which point safety Rodney Harrison smacks the nose of the ball. Tyree somehow manages to keep one mitt on the ball and presses it to his helmet as he falls to the turf. With Harrison desperately tugging at his arms, he regains control of the ball between his hands and somehow holds it inches from the ground as he falls over backwards. First down, time out, and the rest is history.

Let's break this down step by step. To start, you have to go to the play before The Play. David Tyree runs a route to the sideline where he turns and runs back to the quarterback. Unfortunately Manning was expecting him to turn upfield and flang the ball way about 6 yards behind Tyree. Only Manning's inaccuracy on the throw prevented a Super Bowl clinching interception. You could almost feel the frustration seething from Tom Brady on the sideline. I imagine he thought something along the lines of "When my receiver runs the wrong route on a last minute drive to save the season I throw a ball that can be fucking intercepted!"

Given new life, the Giants promptly call a play that was apparently designed specifically for Eli Manning to pull an Eli Manning, namely run backwards 10 yards and take a crushing sack. Showing off his best Michael Vick impersonation, Manning instead strangled a pit bull to death with his bare hands. I mean Manning instead kept his legs moving, escaped to the outside and threw up a prayer.

Tyree ran down field and was likely the most attractive option given that he was covered by Harrison, a man who last successfully defended a pass in the '04 season, a fact that he proudly taunts opposing receivers with as they sprint by him time and again. The ball floated on Manning, allowing Harrison time to recover and make a play on the ball. Any sort of missile-like blow that Harrison is known for while Tyree was stretched out for the ball likely separates the receiver from the pass. Instead Harrison batted at the ball, and actually hit it hard enough to knock the ball loose from Tyree's hands. Thankfully not letting his brain interfere with his athleticism, Tyree kept one hand on the ball and squeezed it against his helmet. Fortunately for all Giants fans, Tyree had gotten a pregame head butt from Craig Biggio, covering the right side of his helmet in pine tar. Given the added traction, Tyree held control of the ball as he was bent backwards and fell to the ground.

Take a look at Tyree's career statistics from pro-football-refernce.com. Notice that he had all of 4 catches all season and is mostly a special teams force. I'm assuming he's a special teams force. Nothing else could explain the 2005 Pro Bowl selection in a season where he caught 5 passes for 52 yards and a touchdown. Had Plaxico Burress made The Play it would have been another in a long line of spectacular plays from the enigmatic receiver. Had Amani Toomer made The Play it would have been an exclamation point on an outstanding career. Hell, had Steve Smith made The Play it would have been a flash of brilliance from the most promising receiver the Giants had drafted since Toomer. Even tight end Kevin Boss had his moments during the season, culminating in a spectacular catch and escape during the go-ahead touchdown drive early in the 4th quarter. Instead it was David Tyree. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to dig up another video replay of The Play and scream irrationally at Patriots fans.

I kind of feel like I have to do this

I was thinking of breaking down the Super Bowl expert style. I've been reading the articles and listening to the radio and trying to gleam every piece of information I can get my greasy hands on, but it keeps coming down to the same thing. The Giants have the best defensive line in football. The Patriots have the best offensive line in football. Whoever wins that battle wins the game. It's a lot of pressure on that Giants unit. All they have to do is stuff Lawrence Maroney and get to the untouchable Tom Brady without any help from the linebackers or secondary. Mostly because the linebackers and secondary are below average at best.

When it's all said and done, a couple of key points keep kicking around in my head. The Patriots under Bill Belichick are nearly unbeatable coming off of a bye week. The Giants under Tom Coughlin are nearly winless coming off a bye week. I start to think to myself that if Osi and Strahan can get good pressure on Brady and get his jersey dirty, if Eli can limit his mistakes and Plax can make a couple of big plays, and if the Giants can establish and stick with a running game to dominate the time of possession, hey, they got a shot, right? Then I remember the key fact that just does not get discussed on the talk show because this is the most hyped event in the world. The Patriots may well be the greatest team of all time! The Giants are a nice story, but they are not the greatest team of all time! Seriously, I wonder if the Patriots will cover because they've never won a Super Bowl by more than 3 points, but Super Bowls historically have been blowouts and the Patriots are the greatest team of all time! Look for the Pats to win and to cover. Fuck.