Playing goalie is hard

Poor Miikka Kiprusoff. Not only does he have to deal with large men firing vulcanized rubber at his head at 100 miles per hour, now he has to deal with the Vancouver Canucks' new stealth offense. In the closest thing to the flying vee from the Mighty Ducks movies, Mason Raymond grabbed the puck in a crowd at the red line and flipped it up into the rafters. Kiprusoff never saw the puck coming and it doinked in off the post.

Mets Get Canadian

The New York Mets limped to a 70-92 finish on the weakened stock of Americans and Dominicans who just couldn't stay healthy. In an obvious move to toughen the team up, the Mets brought in an enforcer who is not afraid to drop the gloves. Pending the results of his physical, Jason Bay will be patrolling left field for the Mets after coming to terms on a 4 year, $66 million contract with easily attainable incentives that would drive the contract to 5 years and around $80 million. Passing the physical is apparently not a given as the Red Sox had serious concerns about the health of Bay's surgically repaired shoulder and his aging knees. Obviously the Mets with their ace training staff will be able to keep Bay healthy for the next 4 or 5 years, right? Right? Fuck.

Braylon Edwards likes to talk

One might say Braylon Edwards has a big mouth. It is so big he may in fact think he can catch a football in it. NOPE!



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Video of spectacular fail over at NFL.com.

Advantage...NHL

Most Americans think American Football is a higher-scoring game than ice hockey. Most Americans will gleefully point out that the average score in the NFL is something like 24-17, while the average score in the NHL is around 4-3. Look how many more points are scored in football, that's like 20 extra scores! Most Americans are stupid. That has nothing to do with this particular post, it's just worth noting.

Let's examine two games, one from each sport, over the past week. On Monday night the NFL saw two of its premier offensive teams go at it, and one of them even showed up! The New Orleans Saints stomped the New England Patriots 38-17. Wow! Look at all that scoring! 38 points, I mean, WNBA teams don't score that many! Let's break down that score, shall we? The Saints rolled up 5 (!) touchdowns on the Patriots, made all 5 (!) extra points and even kicked a field goal. If you think field goals and extra points are exciting, then please drink a gallon of bleach because your continued existence on this planet is no longer necessary. Just look at the following equation:

[38 - (3 + 5 * 1 (gallon of bleach))] / 6 = 5, count em, 5 scores!

That's your best offensive team in the NFL, and what a show it was! Apply the same math to the Patriots rather paltry 17 point line and it looks like:

[17 - (3 + 2 * 1 (gallon of bleach))] / 6 = 2, count em, 2 scores!

Now at this point you have probably drank 7 gallons of bleach, and let's be honest here bleach IS delicious. For those of you still with me let's take a look at last night's NHL tilt between the New Jersey Devils and the Vancouver Canucks. These are two of the top 10 teams in the NHL in terms of fewest goals against, so you'd think it would be a defensive struggle and marquee match up of the two goalies favored to start for Team Canada in the 2010 Olympics. Final score? 5-2.

To summarize, on Monday night in the high-scoring NFL where offense is the name of the game, the teams ranked 1st (New Orleans) and 4th (New England) in scoring played to an adjusted score of 5-2. In the slow-moving, plodding NHL where defense is all you see and no one ever scores, the teams ranked 2nd (New Jersey) and 9th (Vancouver) in goals against played to an actual score of 5-2. What does it all mean? Ooo...bleach!

LET IN A GOAL WILL YOU?

Stupid whiny liberals have RUINED America! Wife gets out of line? Smack the bitch in the mouth! Kid gets out of line? Tie a steak around his neck and throw him to the bears! Goalie lets in a goal? Take a two-handed, baseball swing at his head! Oh NOOOO! Physical violence is never the correct response to a goal or a burnt dinner. Fortunately for us Keith Ballard does not burn patchouli and sit around talking about his feelings! He is a red-blooded American hero who eats red meat and babies and will not let the terrorists win! "A Czech goalie lets a Russian player score just because I grievoulsy fucked up? FUCK YOU!"