It's officially hockey season

As expected, the Tampa Bay D**** Rays finally came down to earth last night. The base running blunders, the relief pitching, the fielding, all the little things an inexperienced team just won't bring to the table game in and game out over the course of a 162 game season bit the D**** Rays in the butt. This is not to take anything away from the Phillies but...naw fuck Philadelphia!

I am confused by my emotions

Why did I let out a little cheer and a fist pump when the Phillies escaped the 8th inning last night with a 6-2 lead? Could it be that I was actually rooting for Philadelphia to win? Oh fuck me! I am! After having gone on record against the Mets fierce rivals, I've realized my hatred for the asinine designated hitter has blinded my judgment and forced me to root for the National League entrant into the World Series. Or maybe I just desperately want to root for a team that wins for once, and with the Phillies up 3-1 in the series you have to like their chances. Possibly I'm just pretending to root for Philadelphia because EVERY team I root for loses, and this is my last, desperate ploy to get them to lose cause let's be honest here, FUCK Philadelphia. I'm so confused! In any rate, the Tampa Ray D**** Rays must win tonight in Philadelphia, something no visiting team has done so far this postseason. They must also defeat Phillies ace Cole Hamels, something else no opponent has been able to do this postseason. What does this all mean? Look for Tampa to win in a laugher.

RESPECT THE LONG SNAPPER!

When Pittsburgh's long snapper Greg Warren tried to walk off the field following a third quarter punt his knee buckled in an excruciatingly unnatural way and he crumpled to the field. The same thought immediately shot through everyone's minds: January 5th, 2003. OK, maybe everyone else was concerned for Warren, who tore his ACL and is done for the year, but all I could think of is the second greatest postseason collapse in NFL history, when the Giants blew a 38-14 3rd quarter lead to lose 39-38. That particularly painful game ended with a botched snap on a potential game-winning field goal. Predictably, Ben Roethlisberger threw an interception on Pittsburgh's next possession to alleviate the pressure on the special teams, but standing in the shadow of their own goal line in the 4th quarter the Steelers were not so lucky. Linebacker James Harrison was tabbed to be the emergency long snapper, presumably because he was standing too close to Mike "Don't Call me Fucking Omar Epps" Tomlin when the coach was looking for a backup. Harrison flang the ball out the back of the end zone, made all the more hilarious because punter Mitch Berger had to limp after it on a pulled hamstring to make sure it went out the end zone and the Giants couldn't recover it for a touchdown. The Steelers were forced to kick the ball away, which Tomlin made Berger do after the punter made an Omar Epps crack, and the Giants would drive down for their only touchdown of the game.

Cole Hamels has arrived

Oh sure, you could make the argument that being an All Star last year and finishing 6th in the Cy Young voting his second year in the league would have meant something. Apparently going 6 2/3 innings and giving up 3 runs but earning a loss in your first career postseason outing means jack shit. Nope, you have to wait until THIS postseason when you don't pitch much better but earn a bunch of wins to get some national recognition. On the bright side, thus far this postseason has highlighted how completely overrated Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins are. Here we are, one game into the World Series and Howard has 8 hits and 3 RBI. Ladies and gentleman your 2008 National League MVP! I'm SURE the Phillies would rather have this guy than Albert Pujols. Rollins thus far has 9 hits, 2 RBI, and 6 runs, the latter stat highlighting the importance of the other players on the Phillies, as he scored an amazing 80% of the time he was on base in the NLCS. I can't wait until the Rays start intentionally walking Chase Utley with men on base to get to the 2 time MVP. Fantastic.

Just like everyone predicted

Your 2008 American League Champion...Tampa Bay D**** Rays? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with a team dropping the word "Devil" from their name to pander to the religious right and then suddenly becoming one of the very best in their sport. They weren't associated with the devil people, it's the name of a fucking animal! Like a Cardinal, or a Padre! Anyway, the D**** Rays spared us the horrors of Red Sox fans crowing following yet another improbable series comeback, and set up what is sure to be one of the least watched World Series of all time.

The New York Giants put the 49ers away late, but did not look particularly awesome doing it. Still, a win is a win and the team is now 5-1 heading into the brutal rest of their schedule. Next week the Giants travel to Pittsburgh to take on the flying Polamalus who took care of the lowly Bengals yesterday. It should be an interesting matchup as the Stillerz love to throw the ball and can't block anyone, and the Giants D line is pretty good. On the bright side, it seems unlikely that Ben Roethlisberger can get any MORE concussed.

This feels oddly familiar

Scott Kazmir pitched 6 gutsy innings last night turning over a 7-0 lead to his bullpen a mere 9 outs from the World Series. 2 and 2/3 disastrous innings later, the Sawks had an improbably 8-7 victory. When reached for comment Aaron Heilman scoffed, "I can do that." The Sawks have overcome ALCS deficits of 3 games to 0 and 3 games to 1 the last two times they've won the World Series, which means that 3-1 deficit this year really WAS right where they wanted to be. Game 6 is Sunday night back in Tampa, where the injured Josh Beckett takes on tough luck game 1 loser James Shields.

Balls

Well that sucked. In a perfect confluence of getting fucked by sports I managed to switch right from Eli's 3rd interception being returned for a touchdown to the Dodgers blowing a 5-3 8th inning lead to the fucking Phillies. The Mets couldn't close out late-inning leads, how come they have to miss out on the opportunity to do this in the postseason?

Looking to the positives from the football game, the Giants running game continued to be impressive, although you have to wonder why they abandoned it for most of the first three quarters. The emergence of Steve Smith as a valuable possession receiver has been wonderful to watch. All of Eli's forced throws off his back foot into triple coverage looked like tight spirals instead of the wobbly crap we used to see him toss up for grabs. On the downside, the line play on both sides of the ball, far and away the biggest strength of the team was atrocious, and oh yeah THE DODGERS GAVE UP THE GAME WINNING HOME RUN TO FUCKING SHANE VICTORINO! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FLYIN HAWAIIAN! NEXT TIME SWING WITH YOUR FUCKING EYES OPEN! DAMMIT!

College football blows

I always kind of defended it. You know, it's cute, sure the players aren't as good but the passion of the fans is there man. Then I spent a weekend surrounded by fucking Gator fans doing the fucking Gator chomp. I am here to tell you, this is a proven fact, I have the goddamned police report to prove it. If you're 30 years old and spend an entire wedding on the dance floor doing the Gator chomp, I can hit you with a fucking chair. At a certain point you have to grow up, put a bra on, and understand that the more civilized among us are going to wander away from a bunch of drunken, obnoxious kids reliving their college glory days to go watch the baseball game.

In interesting news, the Red Sox and Rays split over the weekend. Dice K flirted with a no-hitter in game 1 after walking the bases loaded in the first inning. I still think they should be able to hit him with a bat when he's nibbling like that. Game 2 was a very different affair with a record-tying 7 home runs. It was just what you expect in a matchup of aces Scott Kazmir and Josh Beckett. Oh yeah, you might expect a low-scoring affair with lots of strikeouts. Well, they're both hurt and it showed. Game 3 is this afternoon.

The Dodgers finally got on the board against Philadelphia, proving once again that Jamie Moyer completely sucks in the postseason. Of course on the radio they are wondering why the Dodgers will start Derek Lowe on 3 days rest tonight instead of a 40-something year old soft-tosser in Greg Maddux. Obviously Mr. Cowherd did not pay any attention to what happened to the last 40 year old soft tosser who started in this series. I mean honestly, who remembers ALL the way back to last night? That bottle of scotch wasn't going to drink itself!

Your friday question of the day

What does it mean when the pirate at work closes the door to his office before leaving to wander the building? Maybe he just farted and doesn't want to let the sweet scent of his own colon escape to the rest of the office? Maybe he has kidnapped a fair maiden and has her tied up in there? Well, actually, that's definitely not it. Only way he gets close to a fair maiden is if he tasers her first, and I'm pretty sure someone would have noticed him dragging an unconscious female through the lobby. Ok, I'm moderately confident someone would have noticed him dragging an unconscious female through the lobby. Hmmm....maybe he kidnapped a fair maiden and has her tied up in there? Most likely he didn't want anybody to see the kiddie porn he's got up on his computer monitor that wisely faces the door. Sure, you could just minimize it but that seems like a lot of effort when you want to take a leak. Seriously, the kid is fucking creepy. What's that? Oh yeah, this is a sports blog, um, so the Leafs beat the Red Wings in Detroit, Boston beat Colorado in Denver, Vancouver shut out Calgary at home, and San Jose stopped Anaheim at the Shark tank. Also, the Phillies took a 1-0 lead in the NLCS behind a good bottom of the 6th inning and some great pitching from Cole Hamels. I didn't watch any of it.

That was close

The New York football Giants squeaked out a win against Seattle 44-6 this afternoon. Offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride enjoyed the freedom of being able to call whatever the hell he wanted whenever the hell he wanted knowing that at any time he could just hand the ball off to Brandon Jacobs, Derrick Ward, or Ahmad Bradshaw and pick up 10 or so yards. It turns out the Seahawks defense just isn't very good.

In baseball news, both the Phillies and Dodgers closed out their division series this afternoon meaning I might have to root for a beer league softball team in the World Series. Fuck that. Is it hockey season yet? Sweet.

Mets sign Manuel

In the interest of keeping the Manuel manager ratio in the NL East up at least 40%, the Mets signed Gangsta Jerry Manuel to a 2 year contract. Manuel led the Mets to dramatic turnaround this season, only to watch the team collapse under the weight of its ineffective bullpen. I was a big fan of the job Manuel did this season, but more important David was a fan, and dammit that's good enough for me!

In news of teams that actually made the playoffs, the D**** Rays and Sawks took 2-0 leads in their respective series, the latter leading to Boston fans everywhere popping their collars and smashing empty Budweiser cans on their heads in delight.

Go...Rays?

Well, Tampa won. That makes teams I support 1-5 so far this postseason. Philly and the Dodgers jumped to commanding 2-0 leads in their respective series. Milwaukee is in trouble as they were counting on at least 3 victories from CC Sabathia this series, meaning he will have to start and win the next 3 games. The Cubs are in trouble because they're the Cubs. Also, they were the team I was rooting for to win it all, and they lost the first two games at home. It's not impossible for them to win the next 3 games in a row, but I wouldn't exactly start making plans for a Windy City Series. At least Tampa won. Super rookie Evan Longoria Parker, er Eva Longoria, er, whatever homered in his first two at bats but only singled in a run his third time up, proving once again that rookies can't handle the pressure of postseason play.

At least I'm consistent!

EVERY team I root for loses. Need proof? In the LDS, I'm rooting for the Cubs, against the Phillies (FUCK Philadelphia), and against the insufferable Red Sox fans. Three games were played last night, and who won? That's right, the Phillies over the Brewers, the Dodgers over the Cubs, and Red Sox over humanity. I mean the Red Sox over the Angels. As an interesting side note, the Red Sox have now won 10 consecutive postseason games over the Angels, tying the record set by the A's who won 10 straight in October against the Red Sox.