How low can you go?

Leave it to Conan to dig up the depths of the team's despair. Despite the Mets recent mini surge in the standings, tensions are running a little high, leading to incidents like this one in the Citifield parking lot:

That's a funny looking double play

With one out in the bottom of the eighth, Jerry Manuel pinch-hit struggling Fernando Tatis for some guy named Corey Sullivan who is apparently a major league baseball player. Interesting. Anyway, the bases were loaded and there was one out in the inning. Tatis has been something of a double play machine this season, managing to hit into the twin killing an astonishing 25% of the time he has the opportunity. In this clutch situation last night, just like everyone predicted, Tatis did, well, he did this:

A circus on a roller coaster

It turns out Tony Bernazard isn't likely to be the future GM of the Mets. Of course, after his public outburst, there's a solid chance Omar Minaya won't hold the job for much longer himself. What does this mean for the Mets? Well, that's a tough question. Minaya has obviously made some good moves during his time with the team. On the other hand, he has handed out his fair share of questionable contracts. The firing of Willie Randolph could not have been handled more poorly, and while the almost laughable string of injuries this season is not Minaya's fault, the team's repeated failure to accurately diagnose injuries and set realistic timetables for players' returns is becoming something of a joke. From a baseball side of things, Minaya seems nearly incapable of handling player movement within his organization, often times saddling his manager with players who are too injured to play but refuse to place them on the disabled list. Overall, Minaya has overseen a return to competitive National League baseball in New York, falling one game short of the World Series in 2006, and one game short of the playoffs in 2007 and 2008. In the end, barring a run at the 2010 World Series, that might be a fitting title to the Omar Minaya era in New York: One Game Short. Sorry this wasn't funny, except to Phillies Phans. Dicks.

Breaking news!

Red Sox fans are idiots! Wait, that's not the breaking news. Everyone knows that. Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox just threw a perfect game, either the 16th or 17th in Major League history, depending on which page of ESPN.com you happen to be looking at. This is Buehrle's second no-hitter, apparently. I called a friend who is a Red Sox fan whose comment was, "Wow, I guess you don't have to be very good to throw a no-hitter." Interesting, looking at his stats it looks like he's been pretty good for a pretty long time. "Well, yeah, but he'd be the #3 starter on the Red Sox." Wait, behind John Lester? The guy whose numbers are about the same but a little worse in every way except strikeouts? "I guess I'm a little biased because Lester's the better fantasy pitcher." That's right, that's the guy you want starting game 2 of a playoff series, the guy with better fantasy stats. That's why all the best GMs in baseball are fantasy nerds. Personally, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Buehrle due to his tendency to eat babies straight from the mother's womb.

Well that's embarrassing

The New York Mets, they of the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th highest payroll in all of baseball, depending on which is the actual number, were shut out by the lowly Washington Natinals last night by score of 4-0. This would be the same Natinals team that for a while seemed capable of challenging the expansion 1962 Mets for the most losses in the history of the sport. Is there any way this can get worse for Mets fans?

Meet Tony Bernazard, likely the future GM of the Mets once Omar Minaya gets fired for overseeing this train wreck. Apparenly, Bernazard took his shirt off and challenged the AA Binghamton Mets to a fight. Ah, that'll do Mr. Bernazard, that'll do.

Train wrecks

On the way up to Vermont this past weekend, I got stuck in traffic due to an automobile fire. When we finally rounded the curve and saw the carnage, we were faced with a car engulfed in flames while a woman stood on the side of the road looking on forlornly as firefighters sprayed water on her car. This woman understands what it's like to be a Mets fan in 2009. With a big four of David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Delgado, a rotation anchored by ace Johan Santana, and a revamped bullpen led by Fransisco Rodriguez and J.J. Putz, the Mets looked poised to get over the hump and win the NL East for the first time since 2006. Instead, not only did Beltran, Reyes, Delgado, and Putz go down to injury, so too did starters John Maine and Oliver Perez. Mets fans were forced to watch the likes of Tim Redding and Livan Hernandez try to battle against Major League lineups. What are we, the Washington Nationals? Sadly, there is no help, there is no magic fix that can overcome those kinds of losses. The team stayed in contention for a while, but has slowly faded once teams figured out they could stop throwing strikes to Wright and the Mets would never, ever score.

I could hide my head in the sand like I've been doing, dreaming of the day Reyes, Beltran, and Delgado come back, a day that may never come, or I could start looking for beacons of hope through the smoke and flames. For example, Fernando Nieve, coldly discarded by the Houston Astros, has been pitching admirably for the Mets, and more often than not gives the team a chance to win. So how did Nieve do last night when given a chance to earn the team a split with the division rival Braves? Ah fuck.

Who says old people are useless?

Well, pretty much everybody. I mean, they can't drive, they take fucking forever in the checkout line in the grocery store, they suck hard-working American's dry with their social security handouts, and a bunch of other stereotypes I can't be bothered to write about. It turns out they can play golf, however, which in retrospect may make them even less useful. Anyway, after the first round of the British Open, which the Brits pompously call the Open Championships, your leader is none other than geriatric Tom Watson. According to sources with knowledge of the situation, Watson did not in fact die three years ago. Huh. Here is a recent picture I believe to be Tom Watson having a romantic evening with his wife.


UPDATE:

Some dude name Miguel Angel Jimenez ended up shooting one shot better than Watson at a sprightly 45, just proving the stereotype that old people are useless. Thanks Miguel!

Diana Taurasi is Extreme!

The former UConn star was booked on July 2nd for three drunken driving charges, including extreme DUI. It turns out that's less awesome than it sounds. Apparently "extreme DUI" just means she was barely twice the legal limit. Pussy. Diana baby, come back to CT and I'll show you how to extreme DUI! We'll drink some scotch, take our pants off, and get behind the wheel of a car. And believe me, when they pull us over, we won't be blowing some pussy 0.17 BAC. When mine gets that low, I start to get the shakes. Here is a picture of Diana reportedly (well, by me) enjoying a white Russian before practice.

Uh oh

Former Met, Red Sox (Sock?), Expo, and Dodger pitcher Pedro Martinez passed his physical and signed with the rival Phillies over the All Star break. The three-time Cy Young award winner is a noted head case who will undoubtedly use the Mets' unwillingness to re-sign him as a motivational tool to help pitch the Phillies past their rivals. Fortunately for Mets fans, Martinez is also composed mostly of paper mache and hair gel, and seems unlikely to remain healthy for even the 15 or so starts he will be expected to make. Let's start bidding now on how long it will take Pedro to land on the DL. 10 starts? 5? Wait, WHAT? He's ALREADY ON THE FUCKING DL???? Well there you go Phillies fans! Enjoy those 6-8 starts Pedro gives. I bet when he gets really amped up to face the Mets he'll even pitch into the 5th inning!

Daniel Murphy is a firstbaseman

Early on in the season we learned that Mr. Murphy is NOT in fact a left-fielder. Fortunately for him Carlos Delgado's chronic HGH use, er, excuse me, advanced age and failing hips left the door wide open for a guy who hits almost as well as Rey Ordonez. It turns out, Danny boy is a little more comfortable in the infield. When watching this video, please ignore the fact that the runner was probably safe.