Elisha Cuthbert has been avenged!

We've all seen the movie Sudden Death. OK, some people have seen Sudden Death. Fuck, even I haven't seen Sudden Death, but the premise of the movie is Jean Claude Van Damme dons the goalie equipment for an injured Pittsburgh Penguin and steps on the ice to make a key save in game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Also, there's bad guys and martial arts and in a surprise twist Van Damme kicks the shit out of everyone and saves the day. But that's just a movie right? I mean, shit like that doesn't happen in real life, does it? Au contraire mon ami! Meet Jack Bauer, all 5'9" of him.


When Jack appears, your day is about to get FUCKED UP, and there's nothing you can do. Agent Bauer took extreme offense to the off color remarks Sean Avery made about the actress who plays his daughter on TV and he wasn't about to let some damned Russians avenge her honor. OH NO! During a 3rd period TV timeout, Bauer jumped Sergei Federov on the bench, knocked him clean out and donned his equipment. So disguised, Bauerov calmly fired the game-winning goal just under the crossbar with 5 minutes to go, sealing the Capitals improbable comeback from a 3-1 series deficit.

Game 7, New Jersey wraps it up, wait wha?

For 58 minutes, 40 seconds, the New Jersey Devils were the better team Tuesday night. Overcoming an early soft goal through Martin Brodeur, the Devils found themselves leading by a goal with under 90 seconds to play. With the fans on their feet, the coaches congratulating themselves on the bench, and Brodeur daydreaming about violating yet another of his ex-wife's relatives, a desperate Carolina team scored on a spectacular play to tie the game with 1:20 remaining in the third.



No worries. You're the Devils, you're at home, you have the greatest playoff goalie of this generation and arguably the greatest goalie of all time in Marty Brodeur. Heck, you've dominated most of the game and the Hurricanes are going to be drained from their emotional comeback. Let's get this one to overtime and move on to round 2. Oh. Oh no.



That right there, that's not good. In fact, that's downright bad. That's Eric Staal saying "You want to fuck you're wife's sister? THIS IS HOW YOU FUCK YOUR WIFE'S SISTER! NOW GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Methinks there's going to be a lot of lonely nights on redtube this summer for Mr. Brodeur.

NHL Playoffs, Round One Recap

Round 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs wrapped up last night, and I must say it went out with a bang. My recap of the series as follows:

1 San Jose v 8 Anaheim

San Jose choked on a big fat dick again. Joe Thornton doing his best Pamela Anderson imitation below.


2 Detroit v 7 Columbus
3 Vancouver v 6 St Louis

Detroit dominates AGAIN. Vancouver doesn't suck. The Blue Jackets and Blues were probably just happy to be there.


4 Chicago v 5 Calgary

The Blackhawks emerge victorious versus fire! Actually, that's pretty cool. It's like revenge for the extermination of the people native to this land. Er, kind of.


1 Boston v 8 Montreal

The Bruins win 4 games to 0 in a series that was nowhere near as close as the final margin indicates.


4 Pittsburgh v 5 Flyers

I'm telling you man, the Penguins have fucking missiles. Also, the Flyers kind of suck.


I know what you're thinking, didn't I just skip two series? I did. 6 of the 8 series were inherently uninteresting. The other two went 7 games. Stay tuned for exciting recaps of the remaining two series.

This is why I can't be on TV

When you're a public figure, even on a shitty network that no one watches like the MLB network, you have a responsibility to filter the idiotic thoughts that pass through your brain before they spill out your mouth. Monday night Colorado's Brad Hawpe was struck in the neck by a throw as he was sliding into second base, requiring a neck brace and a free cart ride off the field. Analyzing the highlights, Matt Vasgersian said, well, he said this:



The video cut off before Vasgersian could defend himself, which was probably for the best. According to reports, Vasgersian stammered, "Look, I'm not a racist, I just think all black people look the same." While his colleagues looked on in stunned silence he added, "Eh, fuck you, I'm not wearing pants."

NHL Playoffs Bonanza!

The most exciting 32 weeks in sports kicks off tonight, the Stanley Cup Playoffs! I could give you some expert analysis about who would win based on their matchups and goaltending, but I'm lazy and you wouldn't read anyway. Instead I'll do this NCAA pool style and pick by mascots.

Eastern Conference

1 Bruins v 8 Canadiens

We have bears versus a derogatory name for people who live in Canada. I'm going with Steven Colbert on this one. Bears, er, Bruins in 4.


2 Capitals v 7 Rangers

People with guns already rule Washington, so the obvious pick in this theme would be the Rangers, but you know what? Fuck Sean Avery! Capitals in 4.


3 Devils v 6 Hurricanes

Hurricanes fuck shit up. It's what they do. Of course, Devils are minions of Satan, whereas hurricanes are tools of good. Why else would they only attack the south? Anyway, 2000-2008 taught us anything, it's that evil always beats good in real life, so look for the dark lord to best the almighty this time in a hard fought 7 game series.


4 Penguins v 5 Flyers

What the fuck is a flyer? Fuck it, I'm assuming the penguins are the bad ass ones with missiles on their back from Batman Returns, therefore they will shoot their way to victory.


Western Conference

1 Sharks v 8 Ducks

They're not even the Mighty Ducks anymore. If they were mighty, maybe, but I think we all agree the Sharks come out on top on this one. Sharks in 3. The 4th game won't happen after all the Ducks get eaten.


2 Red Wings v 7 Blue Jackets

Blue Jackets...that's too bad. If they were yellow jackets they could fuck up a bunch of wings, but the blue ones? Um, we have something that seems to be a bird versus something that sounds like I should be wearing with beige pants, so I guess I'm going with the animal over the textile this time. Let's give it Wings in 7 and just move on.


3 Canucks v 6 Blues

We have another case of a derogatory term for Canadian citizens taking on an opponent, this time...depression. Normally this would be a no brainer, as most Canadians have to be depressed enough to be living in Canada but manage to plod along. In this case Vancouver is a fucking awesome city if you ignore the unemployment and meth problem, so the Blues will be a new feeling for them. It'll be a hard fought struggle to the end, but the Blues will come out on top in 7.


4 Blackhawks v 5 Flames

Hey look, it's the one team that uses a Native American (Indian, American Indian, what are we using these days?) as a mascot that actually honors its heritage! A noble mascot with a proud name. Too bad American history taught us that the natives didn't fare too well against fire. Look for the Flames to win in a matchup that won't be as exciting as it probably should be, let's say 5 games.


I was going to keep this going down to the finals, but I lost interest. Also, I couldn't decide who would win between sharks and fire. I mean, you throw a shark in fire and I'm pretty sure it burns, but sharks live in water, which it turns out is fire's biggest weakness (except in Ohio). Needless to say, the Devils will heft Lord Stanley's cup. Fuck.

Progress

In the offseason Mets manager Jerry Manuel stressed timely hitting as an area they needed to address. He worked with his coaches to invent drills to help put his players in the correct mindset and talked to the players individually to make sure mentally they were taking the right approach at the plate. Case in point, David Wright hits the game-tying home run in the bottom of the 5th inning with two outs, giving the team new life and taking a struggling Mike Pelfrey off the hook for the loss.

Less of a priority in the offseason was defense. Case in point, the game winning run the past two games was scored after a dropped fly ball in the outfield. Last night, one of the lone holdovers from last season's crappy bullpen even balked in the winning run for good measure. On the bright side, Citifield got rave reviews from those in attendance and the crowd seemed a little more involved at key moments in the game.

Thats' a little discouraging

Johan Santana spun a masterful 7 innings, yielding 3 hits and a mere 2 unearned runs while striking out 13, so they had to win, right? RIGHT? Nope! They lost to this fucking guy!


Nope, that's not Justin Guarini, that's actually Josh Johnson of the Marlins who apparently is way better at pitching than Justin is at being Kelly Clarkson. Fuck me I know too much about American Idol. Must clear my mind. Ahhhhh, that's better.

That was easy

The UConn women stormed through the NCAA field this year to the tune of a 39-0 record, their 6th national championship, and never had an opponent stay within single digits all season. This sets up the REAL national championship game between the UConn women and the North Carolina men, a game that will be closer than you think because of Tyler Hansbrough is deathly afraid of girls.

Opening day!

That went pretty much according to script. Except for Johan Santana struggling in the windy and cold conditions, and the offense collectively shitting itself in pressure situations, Omar Minaya could not have imagined things going better after his offseason revamp of the bullpen. Johan went 5.2, handed the ball off to Sean Green, who pitched 1.2 scoreless, followed by Putz and K Rod, closing out a tidy 2-1 win. Of course my favorite moment happened in the second inning when Ryan Church was on second with one out, popular scapegoat Luis Castillo was at the plate with the pitcher on deck. The announcers went out of their way to mention that manager Jerry Manuel approached Castillo before the season about this very situation and implored him to be more aggressive.

At least Johan put the fucking ball in play! And the shortstop made a diving stop to get that ground ball. Castillo hit a ball foul then promptly watched 4 pitches fly by without taking his bat off the shoulder. Dammit!

The best weekend in sports

The Final Four is this weekend! The UConn men's and women's teams both made the final weekend, marking the first time one school got the number 1 seed in both tournaments and had both teams get this far. I made that fact up and can't be bothered to research it but it's cool enough to sound plausible.

Opening day is Sunday! Well, I guess opening night is Sunday, where the real opening day is Monday cause that's when the Mets play.

The NBA and NHL seasons are winding down. Watch the final desperate pushes for playoff spots and positioning! Then tell me what happens because I stopped paying attention two months ago.

The Masters is right around the corner. Tiger's back baby. Golf is exciting again!

So what is dominating sports radio for THREE SOLID FUCKING DAYS NOW? THIS guy!


That's right, Jay Cutler, some asshole with a career record of 17-20. "But his defense has been terrible," you doth protest. NO! FUCK YOU! YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICA! If you give two shits about what happens in the never-ending Jay fucking Cutler saga then go ahead and throw yourself in front a fucking train because you're wasting my oxygen!