Steve Nash is awesome

 As the above video proves, everything in life is better when you do it with Steve Nash.

Zzzzzzzz

Holy mother of dog American League "baseball" is horrific! Jered Weaver on the mound for the Angels, he of the gaudy 6-0 record and the odds on favorite for AL pitcher of the month of April. Clay Buchholz on the mound for the Red Sox, well, all right he was pretty awful in April but he is a damned good pitcher. Weaver has the change up dancing through the crisp, Boston air. Buchholz is spinning by far his best game of the 2011 season. It is tied at 1 through 4 innings...and it is already 9 fucking PM! Are you kidding me? A classic, low scoring pitcher's duel and it takes two hours to play less than half of the fucking game? I am thinking they need to start letting the pitchers bat again, just to speed this shit along. Think of it as a laxative for the constipated bowels of American sports.

Matt "Cookie" Cooke...still a bitch

In case you thought I was being overly critical, check out FOX Sports list of the dirtiest NHL players ever. Just check out the picture on the front page! The modest rebirth of this blog was fueled by goalie fights and the goalie fights were fueled by Cookie. Poor Rick DiPietro received a broken jaw and a concussion for his little cheap shot on Cookie when in reality he should get probably get some sort of monetary bonus.

In any rate, since most of you (both of you) are unlikely to actually click on the link, I will provide some highlights:

10. Claude Lemieux - True story, he once broke a guy's face in a playoff game. Says Dino Ciccarelli, "I can't believe I shook this guy's friggin' hand after the game. That pisses me right off."

9. Sean Avery - The dude has a rule named after him in the fucking rule book. Enough said. Sloppy seconds indeed!

8. Tie Domi - Fought a fan in the penalty box.

7. Todd Bertuzzi - Broke a dude's neck with a dirty hit from behind.

...

3. Matt "Cookie" Cooke - Number three! Already! This guy is less than a year older than I am and he is already considered a dirtier player than some of the luminaries listed above! The only two players considered worse are Dale Hunter who tried to kill a dude for scoring a goal against his team in the playoffs and Chris Simon who basically did try to take his skate off and stab someone with it. That is some heady company right there.

Nerd alert!

One of the great stats to look at in the NHL is goal differential. For example in the Eastern Conference every team with a positive goal differential is currently in possession of a playoff spot while every team with a negative differential is on the outside looking in. Things are not so tidy in the Western Conference where Calgary is +9 and in a tie for 10th place in the conference and St. Louis is +5 and eliminated from contention while Anaheim at -3 currently holds onto 7th place. Of course Anaheim is only two points ahead of Calgary with three games to play so stay tuned.

It is interesting to note (interesting to me, not you, sorry) that the team with the worst goal differential is Edmonton at -68 and not coincidentally they are the team with the worst record in the whole league. At the other end of the spectrum is Vancouver who has already wrapped up the President's Trophy and has a whopping +71 (!!!) goal differential. Excuse me as collect myself for the moment as I have just simultaneously spit water all over my keyboard and jizzed in my pants. The jizz thing is probably unrelated to this post. Anyway that gaudy differential is nearly double the closest competitor in the Western Conference, San Jose at +38, and far out-distances the top mark in the Eastern Conference, Boston at +49. This just underlines what a great season Vancouver has put together and why they will be the presumptive favorite heading into the playoffs.

Looking ahead to the run for Lord Stanley's cup, Boston's +49 differential suggests greater success than the 3 seed they are all but assured to ride into the playoffs. It compares favorably to any of the bottom three teams in the playoff picture who will all jockey for position over the season's final weekend. Conversely current conference top dog Washington has a relatively pedestrian +25 differential that stands as merely the fifth best mark in the conference, a full 10 goals worse than the current 8 seed, the New York Rangers. The Rangers at +35 compare favorably to all of the top teams except Boston and should be a trendy pick for a first round upset unless they slot into 6th seed and face off against the Bruins.

In the Western Conference the defending Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks hold a tenuous two point lead over Dallas and Calgary despite a +31 differential that sits as the third best mark in the conference. Assuming they make the tournament look for them to potentially knock off a top seed, unless that top seed is Vancouver. I will put together a full playoff preview complete with inaccurate predictions next week once the final seeding is determined.

So this happened last night

Lost in all the hoopla surrounding the worst NCAA championship game in history, the New York Rangers and Boston Bruins played a pivotal late-season match up in the Garden last night. The Bruins have already locked up the Northeast division and are therefore assured no worse than the 3 seed but in an Eastern Conference where the top 5 teams are within 4 points of each other, every additional point is crucial. At the other end of the playoff spectrum, the bottom 3 teams are all within a point of each other and an uncomfortably close 3 points ahead of 9th place Carolina. When the Bruins jumped out to a 3-0 lead pretty early in this one, fans were reasonably panicky in Manhattan considering the team preceded their shootout win over first place Philly on Sunday with consecutive losses to playoff contending Buffalo and the also-ran Islanders. Boston had to be eagerly looking forward to the 2 points that would get them within 2 of conference leaders Philly and Washington. They were SO eager in fact that they seemingly forgot to play the second half of the game.

Three times as nice

Going into last night's national championship game against Butler I identified several keys to success that would lead to a national title for the Huskies:

1. Kemba Walker must be either a scorer or a distributor early. UConn's success this season has been directly tied to Kemba's ability to create offense.

2. Jeremy Lamb must step up as a viable scoring option. Butler's well-deserved reputation as a giant slayer is built upon their ability to shut down the opposing team's best player.

3. Alex Oriakhi must stay out of foul trouble. UConn has a definitive advantage in size and athleticism inside but it is entirely linked to the mercurial sophomore forward.

4. Roscoe Smith must get involved offensively early. Smith is a talented low post player who has the ability to stretch a defense with the occasional long jumper but as a freshman he has disappeared from games by missing a couple of shots at the beginning of the game.

5. Jim Calhoun cannot get out-coached. Brad Stevens is as talented a basketball mind as there is currently coaching in the college ranks right now. The popular belief was that Stevens would be able to scheme a defense that could at least slow down Kemba Walker and his experienced team would rain open threes to victory.

So what happened?

1. Kemba Walker shot 3 for 11 for 7 points and 0 assists, providing none of the dynamic offense that UConn typically relies upon. Additionally he picked up two fouls and sat a nearly unprecedented 3 minutes in the first half.

2. Jeremy Lamb shot 0 for 2, picked up his second foul with 9 minutes to go in the first half and was a complete non-factor.

3. Alex Oriakhi was for a force on both ends of the floor scoring 4 early points and picking up 4 early rebounds but unfortunately he also picked up his second foul with over 10 minutes to go in the first half and had to watch the rest of the frame from the bench.

4. Roscoe Smith missed both of his early shots and turned into a shot-blocking turnover machine. He also picked up his second foul late in the second half.

5. Jim Calhoun spent much of the first half munching on the souls of abandoned kittens, somehow oblivious to the fact that his lineup to end the first half was Shabazz Napier, Tyler Olander, Donnell Beverly, Jamal Coombs-McDaniel, and Charles Okwandu.

How did UConn survive the apocalypse scenario and emerge victorious? They watched Butler have an historic shooting night. No team has ever shot so poorly in a national championship game. To find point totals so abysmal you have to go back to the 1940s, years before the implementation of a shot clock or a three point basket.

UConn actually represented itself pretty well in the second half against an excellent defensive team, scoring 34 points on 42% shooting. They were still atrocious from the three-point line, finishing at 1 for 11 overall but when they had such an advantage athletically they were able to dominate inside like we have never seen before. The Huskies out-scored the Bulldogs 26-2 in the paint. The interior defense certainly helped but Butler was missing layups like someone had threatened their beloved mascot. Oh hey maybe I just uncovered an alternate theory! It is a shame because the resiliency of the Huskies to go 14-0 in tournament play as well as the nearly unbelievable run from Butler to play in back-to-back national championship games was overshadowed by the ugliness of the game. When it is all said and done, UConn emerged victorious and unless your team is coached by John Calipari, that is all that will be remembered in the record books.

A riddle from baseball's opening weekend

What do ninjas, midgets, and a family of German tourists all have in common?

They all apparently live in Brian Wilson's beard. I really do not have much to add. Just click the link and beware of creepy painters.

UConn basketball is good or something

In case you missed it, the UConn men's and women's basketball teams are going to their respective Final Fours this weekend. This marks the first time this has happened since UConn did it two years ago. In all seriousness it is really, really hard to do for any team not based in Storrs. The women's Final Four will feature two teams, UConn and Stanford, that have made the last four Final Fours. Before you get on your high horse about women's sports and parity, just remember the Red Sox and Yankees finished first and second in their division every season from 1998-2005 so blow me.

Anyway, the Huskies are led by their respective stars, Kemba Walker and Maya Moore. ESPN took advantage of their proximity to sit down with the two All-Americans before they jetted off to Houston and Indianapolis. It was an intense look into the daily lives of two college athletes furiously finishing their studies between relatively meaningless basketball games as their work towards their all important degrees. I kid, I kid, it was a typical ESPN fluff piece featuring two kids who have not seen the inside of a classroom in a month. Notice that the interview was done with both athletes sitting down because it might embarrass Kemba to stand next to the taller Maya.

Questions that ESPN should have asked and did not: Who got more tail during their time at Storrs? Who can bench press more, Maya or Shabazz Napier? Which was the bigger cheating scandal, Jim Calhoun and the phone calls or Geno Auriemma and the illegal tours of ESPN?

Answers that should have been given to questions that were actually asked: What skill of Kemba's would Maya like? Dunking. What skill of Maya's would Kemba like? Bringing a girl to orgasm.

Luis Castillo is terrible

A week and a half ago the Mets released Luis Castillo, a lightning rod for criticism and a living reminder of the failures of the Omar Minaya era. It was suggested by Andy Martino of the Daily News that Mets fans hated Castillo in part because we are racist. Mr. Martino is obviously digging for a story because Mets fans do not boo players based on their race, they boo players for having large contracts and playing terribly. No seriously, look at his stats on baseball reference. His best full year with the Mets was the abysmal 2009 season and his OPS+, a simple measure of your offensive proficiency normalized for era, ballpark, competition, etc, was 99 where 100 is average. His BEST offensive year was below average. Add onto that the fact that nagging foot and leg injuries had stripped the one-time speedster of his range at second base and you are left with a statuesque singles hitter whose greatest contribution to a game is his nearly unrivaled ability to lay down a sacrifice bunt. For this unique skill set the Mets were on the hook for $6 million. Instead the front office did the only reasonable thing and cut him to give a younger player a look.

Interestingly Castillo was quickly snatched up the rival Phillies who are in desperate need of a stop-gap solution at second base while their All Star Chase Utley nurses an injured hip. Castillo promptly showed up two days late to camp, performed about as you would expect and was quietly showed the door. Are Phillies Phans also racist for not warming to Luis's professionalism? Can you even consider a group racist if they hate everyone equally? Maybe, just maybe Castillo is what Mets fans perceived him to be, a terrible, terrible baseball player who has no excuse earning the league minimum, much less someone who deserves a roster spot and $6 million.

Shawn Thornton sees red

Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton took an accidental skate to the face. He was finishing his check behind the net, Fernando Pisani tripped over a teammate, Thornton fell as well and landed face-first on Pisani's skate blade. Fortunately for everyone involved it was a relatively superficial cut and Thornton was able to have something of a sense of humor about it afterwards. The interesting thing is that as Thornton is being escorted back to the Bruins bench by a referee, someone yells something from Blackhawks bench that infuriates him. Thornton needs to be restrained by the ref to prevent him from diving into the enemy bench with blood streaming down his face. This is obviously the healthy reaction. I could not find an embeddable clip of it (fuck you ESPN!). There is a pretty good clip of it on the Sports Grid that was recorded off of someone's DVR so it will probably get taken down by the NHL sooner or later. There is also a clip of his post game interview that is worth a watch.

Instead I'll include a clip of Thornton pounding on Matt Cooke from Cookie's first game in Boston after essentially ending Marc Savard's career. I noticed a couple of things after gleefully watching this somewhere between 1 and 11,000 times. First Thornton went for his helmet then realized Cookie wanted to fight helmets on, forcing him to punch Cookie in the hard plastic a couple of times before disgustedly ripping off his helmet. Second Cookie obviously went into the fight with the intention of getting punched once and going down, much to Thornton's disgust. The Bruins enforcer is a veteran of many fights so when he goes off protocol and hits a player whose fallen you know he did not feel like he got a good shot in there. Of course we should expect this sort of behavior from Cookie who much prefers cheap shots to physical combat.

Mets rushing Beltran back

Last off-season Carlos Beltran had surgery on his ailing knee against Mets' managements' wishes. Pissed off, they rushed him back before he was fully recovered to watch him stumble around in the outfield like a 41 year old Willie Mays. Trust me, older Mets fans get that reference. In the off season, the team and Beltran admitted he was rushed back and probably should have taken more time off to fully heal. Well the incompetent Omar Minaya/Jerry Manuel team was mercifully removed from duty after a second straight 4th place finish. In swept a new era of Mets baseball spearheaded by competence and making the best decisions for the long haul.

Sandy Alderson came riding in on his white horse to clean up the organizational dysfunction that has plagued the team for two decades. He will not be afraid to cut ties to overpaid, under performing players just because they have pulses and a track record of success as recently as six years ago! He is going to put the best 25 men on the roster so that night in and night out the team has its best chance to compete! He is going to force Carlos Beltran to start the season in right field even though he has played one game so far at DH and missed two weeks with knee tendinitis! Wait, what? I apologize, I must have blacked out for a minute there, because that sounds like something the incompetent Minaya administration would do in a desperate attempt to save his job. Beltran has played 3 games in his career in right field, the last a mere 11 years ago. Additionally it has been his left knee that has troubled him this spring even though it was the right knee that was surgically repaired.

Now I will have to go back and peruse my resume, but I am pretty sure I have never once been the general manager of a baseball team. With that expertise in mind it feels an awful lot like 2009 and 2010 when I hear a Mets GM talk about rushing a player back onto the field before he is fully healed. It astonishes me that the team is so willing to risk a much longer stint of inactivity by forcing an obviously hampered player to play through an injury. This is not pain or soreness, have you seen his spring training stats? One spring training game as a DH over two weeks ago. He had three at bats and has not been able to play the game since. Hey here is a novel idea: let him play a FULL 9 innings in right field in a minor league game, have him wake up the next day and do it AGAIN! Once he proves an ability to perform such monumental feats THEN give him a roster spot with the big club. The last thing the Mets need to do in 2011 is play game after game with only 24 or 23 guys available to play.

Stay classy Matt Cooke

It probably seems like I am overly critical of the Penguins agitator, but Matt Cooke is a world class douche bag. I have been calling him a bitch but that seems a little unfair to the bitches of the world who do not deserve to be lumped into the same group as trash like Cookie. Cookie decided to send a message to Rangers' defenseman Ryan McDonagh, and it was received loud and clear. It screamed, "I hate playing in NHL games and cashing my cartoonishly large paychecks. Please stop this from happening." I would not worry your simple little head about it Cookie, you are likely to be free from such onerous obligations for the next several days.

Philadelphia sucks

Philadelphia has officially been named home to the worst sports fans in America by none other than leading fan-assessing publication GQ. Honestly, nothing about these people is worthwhile. I have had the good fortune to visit gorgeous Citizens Bank Ballpark on two occasions. Both times I was blown away beauty of the stadium, the friendliness of the staff, and the appalling behavior of the fans.

Being a fan of their biggest rivals I was expecting to be accosted for daring to wear my blue and orange cap. I seemed to disappoint the rabid locals by not acting like a douche bag, nor did most of my Mets fan brethren. The Phillies Phans therefore responded in the only way in which they knew how by turning on each other. The first year featured the drunken idiots who found it hilarious to throw peanuts at every Mets fan in their vicinity, and by Mets fans I mean people with pulses and seats to the game. They were eventually signaled out to the security staff by an irate Phillies Phan who felt he should be able to watch an entire game without having to shield his children from delicious projectiles.

The second year Phillies Phans in the upper deck competed to see who could goad a Mets fan into a fight first. Unfortunately for everyone involved none of the Mets fans took the bait. This lead to a cannibalistic attack between competing Phan groups that left a young Phan bawling as a girl was hauled out of the stands in a headlock. I am sure other people have their own horror stories to share because at their core Philadelphia Phans are soulless creatures looking to suck the fun out of rooting for your favorite sports team. Honestly can a city really have an inferiority complex when it is so obviously inferior? Just suck it up and be glad you do not root for the Pirates.

Here's a pretty shootout goal

Pretty much does what it says in the title. Martin St Louis of the Tampa Bay Lightning undresses the Blackhawks goalie with a move that is borderline illegal. Seriously, they had to check the video replay and everything back at the mothership in Toronto.



It brings to mind another memorable shootout goal from St Louis you can see here (5 minutes, worth the click)

Fuck me, I'm a Yankees fan???

Maybe that explains this inner conflict. Still, if you skip over that pesky first question, I go straight to the Mets! Original image (I think) from here.

Knicks management is...odd

As a fan of the Mets you would think I am used to teams I root for making bizarre personnel decisions, but I feel like this warrants mentioning. Last week the Knicks landed Carmelo Anthony in a blockbuster trade. Among the finer details of the move they sent a couple of corpses occupying the end of their bench to the Timberwolves for Corey Brewer. Brewer is a marginal offensive player, but he can defend and on the Knicks anyone who can make a stop is a luxury.

The Knicks, being the Knicks, decided to cut Brewer so they can sign the recently cut Jared Jeffries. Jeffries is, to put it delicately, terrible. He already played 3+ years with the team and one of the things he proved during that time is that he is nowhere near as good as oh say, Corey Brewer. To top it all off they also signed the newly available Derrick Brown who is the exact same player as Jeffries except that he is superior in every way. Somewhere Isiah Thomas is nodding approvingly and wondering if the team can still throw $100 million to Stephon Marbury.

"Don't get Kemba Walker riled"

So saith the first line from the Associated Press recap on ESPN.com of UConn's 67-59 win over Cincinnati. What did the offending fan say to get Mr. Walker so riled?

"I missed a shot and he said, 'Chris Paul wouldn't miss that shot," Walker said, referring to the New Orleans guard.

HOLE E SHIT! OH YOU DID NOT! Roll Delonte West off of LeBron James' mom, because this shit is ON!

How did Walker respond? He went on a personal 7-4 run to push a teetering 8 point lead to 11 en route to scoring 16 points, only 7 below his season average. BAM!

Ooo that's gotta hurt!

It is interesting to me. For years I always rooted for the Pittsburgh Penguins because when they gutted my beloved Hartford Whalers the Penguins were the beneficiaries. Hate the team, not the players, so they held a soft spot in my heart. Then came the rivalry with the fighting Ovechkins. Then came Matt Cooke. Then I picked San Jose to win in ESPN's streak for the cash. It was settled, I was going to root for the Sharks to beat the Penguins! In retrospect my life is boring, sad, and empty. Then again, I have a blog so I guess I already proved that. Back to the show!

First...elation! The Sharks lead 2-1 and Logan Couture has the puck at center ice with time winding down and the Penguins' net vacated for an extra attacker.

Next...disappointment! Couture shot it wide! Man, it stings just a little bit every time you miss a chance to ice a game like that. Fortunately the depleted Penguins do not have any stars like Malkin or Crosby left. They have to roll with the likes of Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy.



Aw, FUCK! That sure looks a whole lot like Jordan Staal celebrating Tyler Kennedy's tying goal with 40 seconds left. Sure as shit, the game goes into overtime. Patrick Marleau...breakaway to end it...SAVE by Fleury! Dammit, this one seems destined to end in a shootout.

Unless...scramble in front...Patrick Marleau!!!



Suck on that Matt Cooke!!!!

This put a smile on my face

I have a well-documented dislike for Matt Cooke, so here is a tasty little treat from last night's Capitals-Penguins game. Enjoy!

My analysis of the trade you don't care about

The Knicks were able to swing a blockbuster trade last night, preemptively landing the marquee 2011 NBA free agent Carmelo Anthony. It cost them a boatload in players and draft picks, blowing up the core of the team that was sitting in 6th place in the Eastern Conference. Keep in mind that 6th place is light years ahead of where they have been finishing thanks to the disastrous Isiah Thomas regime.

The details of the trade you can find on ESPN.com. I will not lie, the team got a lot older and lost some depth. They are now entirely dependant on Amar'e Stoudemire's knees staying healthy and Carmelo Anthony staying interested. With the new collective bargaining agreement likely to severely limit teams' budgets going forward, the team will be tied to their two stars and whatever cheap players they can pick off the scrap heap.

Fuck it, I love the trade! They only gave up THREE draft picks to get Carmelo Anthony? Only ONE of them is a first-rounder? Thomas must be hopping mad right now! He would have offered at least the rest of the Knicks' first round picks for the decade. What are they going to use them for anyway? They have a superstar with a fragile psyche and another with chronically bad knees. DYNASTY!

ESPN's hit of the night

Slow news day for me since I have not had television since I got home last night. Fortunately I had plenty of beer so I was mostly able to suppress my homicidal rages. I did do terrible, terrible things to that one guy, but since he was a picture printed on a beer label I am pretty sure the authorities will let it slide.

The video below is Alexander Ovechkin laying the boom down on on Douglas Murray which is awesome on a couple of levels. First of all it is an illegal hit since he led with the elbow and the narrator of the clip goes so far as to call it a "forearm shiver" and mentions Ovechkin received a penalty for the hit. Second the guy he hits played hockey at Cornell and FUCK Cornell. Dicks.

Miguel Cabrera loves the sauce

Miguel Cabrera has been arrested for being drunk again. This time he was caught sipping scotch behind the wheel of his car which was sitting on the side of the road with smoke coming from the engine. That right there folks is balls of steel. Imagine sitting at your steering wheel on the side of the road when a cop comes up and knocks on your window.

"Hello sir or madam, have you been drinking?"
You take a swig from a bottle of scotch. "Nope."

This is not Mr. Cabrera's first tango with public officials and drunkeness. Back during the 2009 postseason, Cabrera was arrested for a domestic dispute when he showed up to their hotel drunk at 6 AM. Bitch, what is your PROBLEM? After an offseason of treatment, Cabrera said in an interview, "You guys write in the paper 'alcoholic.' That's not right. I don't know how to explain, but it's not an alcohol problem."

That's right, we angry drunks NEVER have a problem when we are drinking. It's the cold, gripping reality of sobriety that fucks everything up.

Kemba Walker is a fan of the NBA

What do you do when you have picked up your dribble 18 feet from the basket and have no shot and no one to pass it to? Well if you are UConn star Kemba Walker you simply lob the ball off the backboard to yourself and smoothly lay the ball in for two points. ESPN's Andy Katz asked how much he was thinking of LeBron James who pulled a similar move against the Pacers a couple of nights ago. Walker responded by saying he actually thinking of Kobe Bryant, who has done it a few times himself. Throwing it through the FUGO translator, I am pretty sure Kemba is saying, "No I do not model myself after LeBron, he screwed an entire city. Now Kobe, he only screwed that one girl in Colorado."

What the hell???

According to ESPN.com, the Turkish federation has lifted the ban on former UConn star Diana Taurasi. According to the article:

The Turkish Basketball Federation said the lab retracted its report after it "evaluated" Taurasi's statements in her defense. The federation did not say whether the lab made a mistake.

Sounds like it is an interesting conversation:

Turkish lab: "I'm sorry Ms. Taurasi but you tested positive for modafinil."
Ms. Taurasi: "Bullshit! I never took that! Test the B sample!"
Turkish lab: "I'm sorry Ms. Taurasi but your B sample tested positive as well."
Ms. Taurasi: "Bullshit! I never took that! Your testing sucks!"
Turkish lab: "Well she has us there. I guess we can retract our findings. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Of course, the other possibility is their lab really does suck. Taurasi's teammates refused to let them test their blood, and the lab was forced to retract a positive result for Monique Coker who also tested positive for modafinil.

Maya Moore is pretty

In this particular case, when I say pretty I mean her basketball game is a thing of beauty. In the highlights from ESPN below, the show a little of her scoring by her sweet, sweet jumper and her patented scoop move as she glides to the rim. It does not show how effortlessly she dominates a game. When her jumper is working, she will score whenever she wants from anywhere on the floor. Try to throw extra defenders at her and she finds the open teammate, usually for an uncontested layup. Despite all the talent and beauty, she still does the dirty work such as diving onto the floor after loose balls (*snicker*).

Moore is frequently compared to ghosts from UConn's storied past, most notably Diana Taurasi. She is also unfairly subjected to speculation as to how she would fare on a men's basketball team. The great thing to do right now is to appreciate her stature in the game today, relish every opportunity you get to watch her perform at the highest level, and hope she stays the hell out of Turkey.

Awww, fuck beans!

Proving why he has long been my heartthrob, Peter Forsberg finished much too quickly and once again re-retired from the NHL. Speculation is his chronically injured right foot gave him more trouble than it was worth. My favorite rumor for his brief comeback is that he got sick of banging hot Swedish women, and wanted to have one more romp through Nashville before he left for good. Of course I started that rumor so there is a greater than average chance it is not true.

Goalie fight????

GOALIE FIGHT!!!! Wait, am I starting to repeat myself? FUGO favorite Brent Johnson was at it again as Islanders enforcer Michael Haley decided to step up for his glass-jawed fallen goaltender and take on "Iron" Brent in a fight-marred blowout victory over the Penguins. It actually makes a little bit of sense. With the trade of backup Dwayne Roloson and the loss Rick "Paper Mache" DiPietro, the Islanders could not afford to sacrifice another goaltender to Johnson's iron fists.



In other news, the Peter Forsberg comeback tour kicked off last night and our hero valiantly allowed the spotlight to shine on Columbus' Rick Nash in a 3-1 loss to the Blue Jackets. Not wanting to give us too much too early, Forsberg held himself to a single shot in just under 18 minutes of ice time. That did not prevent Avalanche coach Joe Sacco from gushing, "He was arguably our best player tonight." Well obviously...

In other news

There has been a heavy dose of hockey highlights in the latest reboot of the blog. This is partly because there has been a recent uptick in the number of goalie fights in the NHL the past couple of weeks and goalie fights are fucking awesome. It is also because the namesakes of this blog are well and truly fucked. It is hard to get excited for your favorite baseball team's chances when you read quotes like this one from Jayson Stark's off-season recap:

But the bottom line is that the Mets had a laugh track of an offseason. A two-year contract to D.J. Carrasco, after he got non-tendered? A major league deal for Ronny Paulino while he was still serving a PED suspension? A bargain bin full of Boof Bonsers and Willie Harrises and Taylor Tankersleys? A hunt for inning-eating starters that led to the signings of Chris Capuano and Chris Young, two guys who have spent a combined 720 days on the disabled list over the past three seasons?

How about this one from Buster Only's latest blog post (insider only):

And meanwhile, the Mets' revenue stream has shriveled substantially because of diminished ticket sales. The decline of the Mets' coffers is to the point that some owners wonder if the team will be asked to contribute to the sport's revenue sharing fund -- which is almost unthinkable, given the Mets' standing in the sport's largest market.

The simple fact of the matter is the team is buried under a mountain of debt and until they either find a way out or sell the team, there might be some dark days in Flushing.

On the bright side this happened!!!!!!!!#%%@#%!^^^!%%!!!!^$!^


Sorry about that, the ejaculate button got stuck on my keyboard.

Jordan Staal is doing well

Last night after just missing a spectacular game-winning wrap-around in the waning seconds of regulation, Jordan Staal scored an unspectacular game-winner in the waning seconds of overtime. Seriously, Jonathan Quick is going to puke when he watches that on film. I mean I assume he will be exceedingly hung over or drunk because hockey players drink a lot.

Not pictured in the video below were the two ace chances he had to end the game earlier in overtime. You might notice that Staal played a rather prominent role in this game. With no timetable set for Sydney Crosby's return and Evgeni Malkin likely to miss the rest of the season, it falls on Staals shoulders to help maintain the team's success, and maybe even earn the owners some much-needed playoff revenue.

Matt Cooke is a bitch

On Sunday I was jumping up and down hootin' and hollerin' about a Matt Cooke cheapshot on Alexander Ovechkin when it looked to me like Cooke clearly targeted Ovechkin's knee. In his next game Cooke earned himself a four-game suspension by hitting Columbus' Fedor Tyutin from behind and driving him into the boards.

As reported on Deadspin, Cooke has a long history of taking cheap shots at star players. The Deadspin clip is edited from a longer rant Don Cherry spewed after Cooke's blind side hit to Boston's Marc Savard. Savard suffered a major concussion as a result of the hit, the lingering effects of which continue to sideline Savard over a year later.

All of this is a setup of the video below which is a clear demonstration of why Cooke never picks on anyone his own size. He targets Evander Kane of the Atlanta Thrashers, a man named for Evander Holyfield who for one glorious moment lived up to his moniker.



Stick to the goal scorers Cookie, even though it is way more fun for the fans when you get knocked the fuck out.

Goalie fight???

GOALIE FIGHT!!!!



Well...kind of. See what happens here is Thomas kind of grabs onto Price with both hands, then they dance around for a bit, then Price goes for a wild, roundhouse right and Thomas falls down. It was not exactly Mike Vernon versus Patrick Roy, but still...Original Six goalie fight!!! Tim Thomas on his big moment via the Boston Globe:

“It was getting into an outnumbered situation,’’ said Thomas, called to duty when Price left his crease to join the jostling. “That’s what I was thinking when I was getting down there. He was more than willing to fight. I had this big old plan. I was going to grab his right, then I was going to throw lefts, because I know he’s bigger and taller than me and has the reach on me. I thought I could do a better job of throwing lefts than him. When we went to grab, he got a good hold of my right arm and I got nothing. So then I was like, ‘Now what do I do?’ He’s got a big right cocked and ready to come.’’

Now that is the definition of standing up, er falling down, for your teammates! He may have let in six goals last night but Thomas showed that with the exception of stopping the puck, he was willing to do whatever it takes to win!

Just call me the prognosticator!

I jokingly reported in a previous post that Rick DiPietro would probably miss some time with a concussion after getting his lunch handed to him by Pittsburgh's Brent Johnson. It turns out I was only wrong on the injury and the length of time DiPietro will miss, although I suppose that remains to be seen. As reported on Islanders.com and read on Deadspin, DiPietro will miss at least a month with facial fractures and knee swelling. The moral of the story is if you are ever going to steal Mike Tyson's tiger make sure you have Brent Johnson on your side because he is a bad motherfucker!

My take on the Wilpon/Madoff mess

Holy, fucking shit I could not possibly care less. Seriously, take a shit on a plate, find a rabbi to bless it, then lock it in a room with a coked out Charlie Sheen and a porn star. That is how much interest I hold in the financial stakes of the Mets owners. Am I going to punch a pregnant lady in the stomach when Reyes ends up on the Yankees next year? Probably, but let's face it, the bitch had it coming.

The Mets have had a top 5 payroll for a decade and it got them a lot more Ollie Perezzes and Luis Castillos than it did playoff appearances. Are the Wilpons shitty owners who will never be able to bring a championship to the Mets? Again probably, but that's what people thought about King George until the Yankees started winning every year.

Don't get me wrong, I would love for Mark Cuban to come riding in a white horse to save the franchise. He seems like the type that is savvy enough to invest in smart baseball people, overpay in the draft for superior talent, and hire a training staff capable of keeping players healthy. Plus there is at least a 3000% chance he would end up fighting Jimmy Rollins at some point. That being said it has zero effect on the 2011 season and if my liver is any indication, that is the only season that really matters.

Old time hockey

The video pretty much speaks for itself. The thing is, Dallas is actually a really good hockey team this year, despite what they showed last night.

In other hockey news...

Johan "the Mule" Franzen became the first hockey player in over 3 years and only the fifth player since 1994-95 to net 5 goals in a single game. With an awesome nickname like "the Mule" and a game reminscent of Peter Forsberg's, Franzen could easily be one of my favorite players in the NHL if only he didn't play for the fucking Red Wings. Fuck Detroit and their shitty cars, their white rappers, their Stanley Cup winning hockey teams and their pitchers who nearly throw perfect games. What's that, the fifth goal came on an empty net? Weak. Highlights here if you care.

Goalie fight????

GOALIE FIGHT!!!



Ah...so THAT'S why goalies don't fight. Poor DiPietro. He'll probably miss 3 years with a concussion now.

UPDATE

This might be the greatest web page that doesn't involve midget porn.

Brian Wilson is Bat-Shit, Fucking Insane

Three interminable months ago, Brian Wilson closed out game 5 of the 2010 World Series, helping to lead the San Francisco Giants to the title. Recently, he sailed his schooner to the set of the George Lopez show for a quick interview. Hilarity ensued.

Even the Onion knows Phillies fans are dicks

If you've never found yourself rooting for a little girl to die of cancer you will after watching the following story. At least it has a happy ending! Oh yeah, this one is not safe for work, unless you work at my office.

Onion SportsDome

Todd Woodbridge thinks Kim Clijsters is fat

"But seriously Kim, your tits look fantastic. Let's make out."