Playing goalie is hard

Poor Miikka Kiprusoff. Not only does he have to deal with large men firing vulcanized rubber at his head at 100 miles per hour, now he has to deal with the Vancouver Canucks' new stealth offense. In the closest thing to the flying vee from the Mighty Ducks movies, Mason Raymond grabbed the puck in a crowd at the red line and flipped it up into the rafters. Kiprusoff never saw the puck coming and it doinked in off the post.

Mets Get Canadian

The New York Mets limped to a 70-92 finish on the weakened stock of Americans and Dominicans who just couldn't stay healthy. In an obvious move to toughen the team up, the Mets brought in an enforcer who is not afraid to drop the gloves. Pending the results of his physical, Jason Bay will be patrolling left field for the Mets after coming to terms on a 4 year, $66 million contract with easily attainable incentives that would drive the contract to 5 years and around $80 million. Passing the physical is apparently not a given as the Red Sox had serious concerns about the health of Bay's surgically repaired shoulder and his aging knees. Obviously the Mets with their ace training staff will be able to keep Bay healthy for the next 4 or 5 years, right? Right? Fuck.

Braylon Edwards likes to talk

One might say Braylon Edwards has a big mouth. It is so big he may in fact think he can catch a football in it. NOPE!



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Video of spectacular fail over at NFL.com.

Advantage...NHL

Most Americans think American Football is a higher-scoring game than ice hockey. Most Americans will gleefully point out that the average score in the NFL is something like 24-17, while the average score in the NHL is around 4-3. Look how many more points are scored in football, that's like 20 extra scores! Most Americans are stupid. That has nothing to do with this particular post, it's just worth noting.

Let's examine two games, one from each sport, over the past week. On Monday night the NFL saw two of its premier offensive teams go at it, and one of them even showed up! The New Orleans Saints stomped the New England Patriots 38-17. Wow! Look at all that scoring! 38 points, I mean, WNBA teams don't score that many! Let's break down that score, shall we? The Saints rolled up 5 (!) touchdowns on the Patriots, made all 5 (!) extra points and even kicked a field goal. If you think field goals and extra points are exciting, then please drink a gallon of bleach because your continued existence on this planet is no longer necessary. Just look at the following equation:

[38 - (3 + 5 * 1 (gallon of bleach))] / 6 = 5, count em, 5 scores!

That's your best offensive team in the NFL, and what a show it was! Apply the same math to the Patriots rather paltry 17 point line and it looks like:

[17 - (3 + 2 * 1 (gallon of bleach))] / 6 = 2, count em, 2 scores!

Now at this point you have probably drank 7 gallons of bleach, and let's be honest here bleach IS delicious. For those of you still with me let's take a look at last night's NHL tilt between the New Jersey Devils and the Vancouver Canucks. These are two of the top 10 teams in the NHL in terms of fewest goals against, so you'd think it would be a defensive struggle and marquee match up of the two goalies favored to start for Team Canada in the 2010 Olympics. Final score? 5-2.

To summarize, on Monday night in the high-scoring NFL where offense is the name of the game, the teams ranked 1st (New Orleans) and 4th (New England) in scoring played to an adjusted score of 5-2. In the slow-moving, plodding NHL where defense is all you see and no one ever scores, the teams ranked 2nd (New Jersey) and 9th (Vancouver) in goals against played to an actual score of 5-2. What does it all mean? Ooo...bleach!

LET IN A GOAL WILL YOU?

Stupid whiny liberals have RUINED America! Wife gets out of line? Smack the bitch in the mouth! Kid gets out of line? Tie a steak around his neck and throw him to the bears! Goalie lets in a goal? Take a two-handed, baseball swing at his head! Oh NOOOO! Physical violence is never the correct response to a goal or a burnt dinner. Fortunately for us Keith Ballard does not burn patchouli and sit around talking about his feelings! He is a red-blooded American hero who eats red meat and babies and will not let the terrorists win! "A Czech goalie lets a Russian player score just because I grievoulsy fucked up? FUCK YOU!"

Elly faces new foot injuries

According to Adam Schefter of ESPN.com, Elly Manning is questionable Sunday with a stress reaction in his right foot. The official story says plantar fasciitis led to the reaction, which could develop into a fracture over time. Unofficial reports state Elly hurt his foot wearing 4 inch stiletto heels out to a night club Friday night, apparently because "they make [him] feel sexy" and "let's be honest, they make [his] calves look rock hard" when paired with his favorite little black cocktail dress.

Wait, Mike Tomlin looks like who again?

Apparent some racist white people have been making a stereotypical comparison between Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps. Well, much like the classless asshats they always are, Fox decided to capitalize on our collective bigotry and work it into their television show.

Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease!

According to ESPN.com's Adam Schefter, the Buffalo Bills have identified Kevin Gilbride among others as a finalist for the recently vacant head-coaching position. As a Giants fan, I can assure the Bills that despite Gilbride's career 6-16 record as a head coach, he would be a fine choice for a team that struggles offensively. His decision to pass on obvious running downs, pass on obvious passing downs, and refuse rushing touchdowns in order to attempt to pass for them instead really keeps defenses on their toes. We lovers of Big Blue would be heartbroken to lose such a successful coordinator, but hold some excitement for the possibility that a replacement might be able to spot wee Brandon Jacobs on the field and find him some carries.

That's a funny looking hand

Pictured above is Thierry Henry's brilliant sleight of hand to set up the game-tying goal for France against Ireland. The game went into extra time as Ireland's lead after regulation resolved nothing in the two match series to determine who would advance to the World Cup in 2010. Henry magically pulled his foot out of his cleat, pushed it through the sleeve of his shirt, knocked the ball down, then almost instantly returned his limbs to their appropriate positions before passing the ball to a wide open William Gallas for the Cup-clinching goal. It was a truly amazing display of athleticism that puts to rest the notion that world's greatest athletes are anything but football (soccer) players.

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Time sensitive jokes!

Honestly, are there any better jokes than those that are utterly dependent on the news of today? Those Dan Quayle jokes have really stood up to the test of time. Well have I got a joke for you! And this one is valid from Wednesday, November 11, 2009 until Friday, November 13, 2009. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, in honor of your 6-6-6 New York Islanders, I give you...IRON MAIDEN!

Monday dreaming

I had this fucked up dream last night. It started in my living room in a very Van Helsing type situation where my friends and I were harboring someone being pursued by a werewolf. Instead of automatic crossbows and Kate Beckinsale's tits we were armed with Wii nunchaku and drunken bravado. Fast forward and I'm on an alien world and I think I've stepped on a rock but instead it's either tiny alien civilization or a plantar wart and I'm really befuddled and OH MY GOD TROY POLAMALU IS AWESOME!

Did you fucking see the play in the 4th quarter with the game still very much in doubt? With Denver pinned deep inside their own territory trailing 14-10, Polamalu blows Correll Buckhalter up for no gain on the first play, then picks off Kyle Orton's pass on the next play. The rest of the defense could have just sat down and said "You got this one Troy?" With his flowing locks blowing in the Denver breeze, Polamalu answered in his lilting tenor, "I got this one."

Video of the interception here. Picture from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette of Polamalu's spectacular one-handed interception in week 1 below.

Latest study links marijuana use to pitching success

San Fransisco Giants ace Tim Lincecum was cited for misdemeanor marijuana use following a traffic stop in Hazel Dell, Washington on Halloween eve. When reached for comment the former Cy Young award winner said, "Dude, it was prescribed to me by the team coaching staff."

"Well Tim used to get all nervous and jittery on the mound and had trouble locating his fastball," said head trainer Dave Groeschner. "We found that a bong hit 15 minutes before first pitch at home games and about an hour before road games helped calm his nerves. Then you just give him a puff off of a one-hitter as needed between innings and BAM, instant ace. Just look at his dramatic improvement in ERA and WHIP from year one to year two! We actually got the idea from [Pittsburgh Steelers' head trainer] John Norwig who found substituting tequila for water in [kicker] Jeff Reed's water bottle helped with pressure kicks."

Pad save and a beauty

Scroll to the 3:54 mark here and check out Sidney Crosby's pad save. What's that you say? Sidney Crosby isn't a goalie. Haven't I told you before Crosby's better than you at everything?

Big Ben sacked by bye week

You've heard the jokes dozens of times before. For example:

The Mets had the day off yesterday, but lost a heartbreaker in the 10th inning after the bullpen couldn't hold a late lead. David Wright was lost for the season when he took a practice swing.

Fuck, now I'm just depressed. Anyway, Big Ben Roethlisberger was actually sacked for the 20th time this season during the bye week. When reached for comment, the large quarterback sniffled, "Fat man landed on my owie," while pointing at his chest. Presumably he meant his ribs.

October excellence

What a performance! A decorated superstar comes up huge in a 6-1 October victory over a storied opponent. I'm talking of course about Sidney Crosby's hat trick against the Montreal Canadiens. Such wizardry and confidence in one's ability around the net is really something to behold. Check out the master here.



Why, did you think I meant another dominating October performance? Oh. Video highlights here. Check out the defensive plays Lee makes around the 2:20 mark and the 2:48 mark. The Phucking Phillies have a 1-0 series lead with game 2 scheduled for tonight when noted head case Pedro Martinez takes the mound for the Phillies while noted head case A.J. Burnett starts for the Damn Yankees.

Tuesday goal of the night

I don't know why smelly Russians putting hard, rubber objects into tight spaces fascinates me so, but it's probably for the best given that I'm such a hockey fan. The Washington Capitals beat the Philadelphia Flyers last night 4-2 in a stunning come-from-behind win that my sister apparently watched from the third row. Lucky bitch. Anyway, less than 4 minutes after falling behind 2-0, the Caps stormed back to tie the game at 2. Just over 5 minutes into the third, Alexander Semin (short e, sickos) scored the game-winner on a beautiful wrist shot. Well, it looked beautiful on the replay. That'll teach me to look at porn while I'm watching a hockey game. Semin's goal is at 4:56 of the following highlight. Though the NHL chose to highlight Alexander Ovechkin's goal because, well, he's Alexander Ovechkin, trust me when the shocked look on Flyers goalie Ray Emery at about 5:11 is because Semin fired a wrist shot between the defenseman's legs and over Emery's shoulder. That was a no chancer.

Isn't Stockholm Syndrome awesome?

This is just a direct link to ESPN.com. Sorry. One of the best things they have going over there is Mayne Street, a web short starring ESPN's Kenny Mayne saying hilarious things and winding up in awkward situations. In my humble opinion, the latest episode is one of the best. It co-stars Encino's own Boston Sports Guy. Wait, what? You heard me.

He shoots he scores!

Whoever says there's not enough scoring in hockey doesn't know shit. I took my laundry out of the wash, put some in the dryer, hung some more, and I missed three fucking goals. It took less than 5 minutes!

American hockey player good at...hockey?

Patrick Kane isn't just proficient at beating up cab drivers. He can also play a little hockey. For evidence of his goal-scoring prowess, skip to 2:38.

Monday morning hangover

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This is not a recurring column in which I wrap up the previous day's football games. I am actually just hungover. I swear to fuck PBR and fried food seemed like a good idea at the time. Instead I'll just recap my favorite plays that I actually remember watching yesterday.

1. Super Mario Bros 3

Goddamn that game is fun when you're drunk and people are heckling you. I have a feeling this may become a weekly part of my football watching experience.


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2. Hakeem Nicks 62 yard touchdown reception*

Elly predictably floats a pass over his receiver's head. Rather than letting it flutter harmlessly to the ground Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie attempted to bat the ball to the ground but instead popped it up in the air. A very alert Nicks adjusted his route, caught the ball, and scampered in to the end zone. High-fives ensued.


(NOTE: for some reason there's no picture of this so here's Elly looking goofy)
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3. Adrian Peterson 29 yard catch and run

Sure it was a pretty play highlighted by Peterson absolutely pancaking the defensive back who tried to tackle him at the point of reception, but that's not why it made the list. Peterson tired himself out on this play and had to leave the game replaced by Chester Taylor. Two plays later Taylor lazily waved at a high but catch-able screen pass like a stoned kid trying to catch a butterfly. The ball went straight through his hands into the waiting arms of Keyaron Fox who returned the interception for the game clinching touchdown.


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4. LaMarr Woodley 77 fumble recovery returned for a touchdown

What made this play great? Brett Keisel's awesome strip sack of Brett Favre. Not only is strip sack a great name for, well, anything, but old man Favre looked quite old on the play, and sadly his legacy has been reduced to everyone rooting against his waffling old ass.


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*NOTE: I actually forgot all about this play until I saw a highlight of it on ESPN this morning. Again, PBR and fried food.

Shocking news

Sometimes in life things happen that you can never predict. In the sporting world, Eli Manning can run around like a scared child, his entire offensive line will hold the opposing defensive line and get away with it, he'll throw up a pass on a wing and a prayer, and David Tyree will catch the ball with his fucking helmet. You just can't predict things like this happening. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have this: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited for public intoxication. How fucking drunk does Jeff Reed have to get before someone says, "You know what? NOW he's too drunk!"

Unsubstantiated rumors are the best rumors!

Peter Forsberg to the Capitals? Playing with Alexander Ovechkin and RPI alum Brian Pothier? I meant to write more but there seems to be something all over the screen making it hard to proofread.

The silver lining

The Mets got lost last night in San Diego 8-3. Starter Livan Hernandez got shelled to the tune of 7 runs in 5 innings by a Padres offense with exactly one legitimate major league hitter. Conversely, the offense mustered only 5 hits and three runs against a San Diego pitcher I can't be bothered to look up. All three runs scored in the top of the 6th helped by two walks and an error. On the bright side, no Mets players went down with a season-ending injury, bringing their current silver lining streak up to one.

2009 in pictures

On opening day the Mets lineup looked like this (click for larger):



After a brutal two game series that saw two more position players lost to injury, the lineup looks something like this (click for larger):



And that doesn't include injuries to, at various times, starters John Maine (out for season), Fernando Nieve (out for season), Jon Niese (out for season), Oliver Perez (sadly, not out for season), and reliever J.J. Putz. Not to mention backup outfielders Angel Pagan, Fernando Martinez, Ryan Church (pre-trade), Alex Cora, and Brian Schneider. It's always tough to tell fans of a team with the second-largest payroll in baseball that we have to look to next year, but, uh, we have to look to next year when some of these guys are hopefully healthy.

2009 in under 60 seconds

What's it like being a Mets fan this season? This cartoon from the grandstand sums it up perfectly:



Keep in mind this was made BEFORE starting second baseman Luis Castillo "mildly" sprained his ankle slipping on the dugout steps on Tuesday night. Also it was before Jon Niese completely tore his right hamstring from the bone (fucking OW) Wednesday afternoon. It was definitely before Gary Sheffield pulled up lame with yet another leg cramp Wednesday afternoon. Fuck.

Fun with plate discipline

Since coming to the Mets, Jeff Franceour (not pictured) has been one of their better hitters. Granted with this mix of minor leaguers and David Wright, it's not that hard, but still, Frenchy has been capable of generating actual runs. He also has a reputation for being somewhat aggressive at the plate. ESPN.com has a feature on their box scores that shows the total number of pitches a batter saw in a particular game. Perusing the box from last night's loss to the Diamondbacks you see that Frenchy went 0-4 with a strikeout and saw 6 pitches. That means in the three at bats he didn't strike out, he made an out on the first pitch, and in the other at bat he struck out on three pitches! For you fucking football fans, imagine a quarterback going 0-4 in pass attempts, where his 4th pass was an interception returned for a touchdown. That right there, that's not good, unless you play for the Lions, in which case it's pretty average.

How low can you go?

Leave it to Conan to dig up the depths of the team's despair. Despite the Mets recent mini surge in the standings, tensions are running a little high, leading to incidents like this one in the Citifield parking lot:

That's a funny looking double play

With one out in the bottom of the eighth, Jerry Manuel pinch-hit struggling Fernando Tatis for some guy named Corey Sullivan who is apparently a major league baseball player. Interesting. Anyway, the bases were loaded and there was one out in the inning. Tatis has been something of a double play machine this season, managing to hit into the twin killing an astonishing 25% of the time he has the opportunity. In this clutch situation last night, just like everyone predicted, Tatis did, well, he did this:

A circus on a roller coaster

It turns out Tony Bernazard isn't likely to be the future GM of the Mets. Of course, after his public outburst, there's a solid chance Omar Minaya won't hold the job for much longer himself. What does this mean for the Mets? Well, that's a tough question. Minaya has obviously made some good moves during his time with the team. On the other hand, he has handed out his fair share of questionable contracts. The firing of Willie Randolph could not have been handled more poorly, and while the almost laughable string of injuries this season is not Minaya's fault, the team's repeated failure to accurately diagnose injuries and set realistic timetables for players' returns is becoming something of a joke. From a baseball side of things, Minaya seems nearly incapable of handling player movement within his organization, often times saddling his manager with players who are too injured to play but refuse to place them on the disabled list. Overall, Minaya has overseen a return to competitive National League baseball in New York, falling one game short of the World Series in 2006, and one game short of the playoffs in 2007 and 2008. In the end, barring a run at the 2010 World Series, that might be a fitting title to the Omar Minaya era in New York: One Game Short. Sorry this wasn't funny, except to Phillies Phans. Dicks.

Breaking news!

Red Sox fans are idiots! Wait, that's not the breaking news. Everyone knows that. Mark Buehrle of the Chicago White Sox just threw a perfect game, either the 16th or 17th in Major League history, depending on which page of ESPN.com you happen to be looking at. This is Buehrle's second no-hitter, apparently. I called a friend who is a Red Sox fan whose comment was, "Wow, I guess you don't have to be very good to throw a no-hitter." Interesting, looking at his stats it looks like he's been pretty good for a pretty long time. "Well, yeah, but he'd be the #3 starter on the Red Sox." Wait, behind John Lester? The guy whose numbers are about the same but a little worse in every way except strikeouts? "I guess I'm a little biased because Lester's the better fantasy pitcher." That's right, that's the guy you want starting game 2 of a playoff series, the guy with better fantasy stats. That's why all the best GMs in baseball are fantasy nerds. Personally, I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Buehrle due to his tendency to eat babies straight from the mother's womb.

Well that's embarrassing

The New York Mets, they of the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th highest payroll in all of baseball, depending on which is the actual number, were shut out by the lowly Washington Natinals last night by score of 4-0. This would be the same Natinals team that for a while seemed capable of challenging the expansion 1962 Mets for the most losses in the history of the sport. Is there any way this can get worse for Mets fans?

Meet Tony Bernazard, likely the future GM of the Mets once Omar Minaya gets fired for overseeing this train wreck. Apparenly, Bernazard took his shirt off and challenged the AA Binghamton Mets to a fight. Ah, that'll do Mr. Bernazard, that'll do.

Train wrecks

On the way up to Vermont this past weekend, I got stuck in traffic due to an automobile fire. When we finally rounded the curve and saw the carnage, we were faced with a car engulfed in flames while a woman stood on the side of the road looking on forlornly as firefighters sprayed water on her car. This woman understands what it's like to be a Mets fan in 2009. With a big four of David Wright, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Delgado, a rotation anchored by ace Johan Santana, and a revamped bullpen led by Fransisco Rodriguez and J.J. Putz, the Mets looked poised to get over the hump and win the NL East for the first time since 2006. Instead, not only did Beltran, Reyes, Delgado, and Putz go down to injury, so too did starters John Maine and Oliver Perez. Mets fans were forced to watch the likes of Tim Redding and Livan Hernandez try to battle against Major League lineups. What are we, the Washington Nationals? Sadly, there is no help, there is no magic fix that can overcome those kinds of losses. The team stayed in contention for a while, but has slowly faded once teams figured out they could stop throwing strikes to Wright and the Mets would never, ever score.

I could hide my head in the sand like I've been doing, dreaming of the day Reyes, Beltran, and Delgado come back, a day that may never come, or I could start looking for beacons of hope through the smoke and flames. For example, Fernando Nieve, coldly discarded by the Houston Astros, has been pitching admirably for the Mets, and more often than not gives the team a chance to win. So how did Nieve do last night when given a chance to earn the team a split with the division rival Braves? Ah fuck.

Who says old people are useless?

Well, pretty much everybody. I mean, they can't drive, they take fucking forever in the checkout line in the grocery store, they suck hard-working American's dry with their social security handouts, and a bunch of other stereotypes I can't be bothered to write about. It turns out they can play golf, however, which in retrospect may make them even less useful. Anyway, after the first round of the British Open, which the Brits pompously call the Open Championships, your leader is none other than geriatric Tom Watson. According to sources with knowledge of the situation, Watson did not in fact die three years ago. Huh. Here is a recent picture I believe to be Tom Watson having a romantic evening with his wife.


UPDATE:

Some dude name Miguel Angel Jimenez ended up shooting one shot better than Watson at a sprightly 45, just proving the stereotype that old people are useless. Thanks Miguel!

Diana Taurasi is Extreme!

The former UConn star was booked on July 2nd for three drunken driving charges, including extreme DUI. It turns out that's less awesome than it sounds. Apparently "extreme DUI" just means she was barely twice the legal limit. Pussy. Diana baby, come back to CT and I'll show you how to extreme DUI! We'll drink some scotch, take our pants off, and get behind the wheel of a car. And believe me, when they pull us over, we won't be blowing some pussy 0.17 BAC. When mine gets that low, I start to get the shakes. Here is a picture of Diana reportedly (well, by me) enjoying a white Russian before practice.

Uh oh

Former Met, Red Sox (Sock?), Expo, and Dodger pitcher Pedro Martinez passed his physical and signed with the rival Phillies over the All Star break. The three-time Cy Young award winner is a noted head case who will undoubtedly use the Mets' unwillingness to re-sign him as a motivational tool to help pitch the Phillies past their rivals. Fortunately for Mets fans, Martinez is also composed mostly of paper mache and hair gel, and seems unlikely to remain healthy for even the 15 or so starts he will be expected to make. Let's start bidding now on how long it will take Pedro to land on the DL. 10 starts? 5? Wait, WHAT? He's ALREADY ON THE FUCKING DL???? Well there you go Phillies fans! Enjoy those 6-8 starts Pedro gives. I bet when he gets really amped up to face the Mets he'll even pitch into the 5th inning!

Daniel Murphy is a firstbaseman

Early on in the season we learned that Mr. Murphy is NOT in fact a left-fielder. Fortunately for him Carlos Delgado's chronic HGH use, er, excuse me, advanced age and failing hips left the door wide open for a guy who hits almost as well as Rey Ordonez. It turns out, Danny boy is a little more comfortable in the infield. When watching this video, please ignore the fact that the runner was probably safe.

Maybe you're just kind of a dick

Dany Heatley has requested a trade from the Ottawa Senators. As the article outlines, it will be difficult to trade Heatley because 4 seasons remaining on his 6 year, $45 million contract. What you may not know is that Heatley was a promising young star for the Atlanta Thrashers earlier this decade before killing a teammate by driving his Ferrari too fast and losing control of the car.

You know what? In life you're going to fuck up sometimes. It happens and you just hope no one gets hurt in the process. If you fuck up and someone dies, you lose a little bit of your leverage. When your excuse is, "But I haven't killed anyone in 6 years," the six years is not the important part of the statement. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that you don't get along with your coach. Suck it up and dry your tears on your millions of dollars and all the coked up hookers it can buy.

Victory!

Holy crap I told you the Penguins had frickin missiles! For the first time since 1971 the road team won game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Maxime Talbot scored both goals in a 2-1 victory. Who the hell is Maxime Talbot? Fucked if I know! Some guy with way better facial hair than Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. Crosby didn't even make it through the game, crumpling to the ice after a check led to a knee injury. Goalie Marc-Andre Fleury played spectacular including a diving, sprawling save as time expired. The hero of the series is Detroit's Marion Hossa, who turned down a more lucrative offer from the Penguins to sign with Detroit because they had a better chance of winning the cup. Hahahahaha!

Lineup Error Forces Rays Manager to Manage

Accidentally listing two third basemen on his lineup in Sunday's game against the Cleveland Indians forced Tampa D**** Rays manager Joe Maddon to bat his pitcher in the #3 hole. When reached for comment, a panicked Maddon lamented, "Fuck me, you mean I have to pay attention? I'm out of my league, man, I mean I completely fucked up the NL games in the World Series last year. Not to mention the hooker said I still have to pay her even though I won't get the quality time we usually get into the 7th inning." He then ran off muttering something about a double switch.

SHOCKING news

The Phoenix Coyotes have filed for bankruptcy. Billionaire Jim Balsillie has offered to buy the team on the condition he can move them to Southern Ontario. Man, who would have thought that hockey would fail in the desert? I'm sure it was helpful that the team never once advanced past the first round of the playoffs, a tournament they failed to qualify for since 2002.

Anything you can do I can do better

Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin did their best dueling banjos imitation last night, notching matching hat tricks in Washington's 4-3 victory. Obviously Crosby would be the smarmy northerner who can't keep up and Ovechkin is the southerner with no teeth but more talent. As is always the case in these situations, the game came down to David Steckel. Wait, who? I guess he's the dancing yokel. I don't know, this fell apart a lot faster than I thought it would.

Elisha Cuthbert has been avenged!

We've all seen the movie Sudden Death. OK, some people have seen Sudden Death. Fuck, even I haven't seen Sudden Death, but the premise of the movie is Jean Claude Van Damme dons the goalie equipment for an injured Pittsburgh Penguin and steps on the ice to make a key save in game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Also, there's bad guys and martial arts and in a surprise twist Van Damme kicks the shit out of everyone and saves the day. But that's just a movie right? I mean, shit like that doesn't happen in real life, does it? Au contraire mon ami! Meet Jack Bauer, all 5'9" of him.


When Jack appears, your day is about to get FUCKED UP, and there's nothing you can do. Agent Bauer took extreme offense to the off color remarks Sean Avery made about the actress who plays his daughter on TV and he wasn't about to let some damned Russians avenge her honor. OH NO! During a 3rd period TV timeout, Bauer jumped Sergei Federov on the bench, knocked him clean out and donned his equipment. So disguised, Bauerov calmly fired the game-winning goal just under the crossbar with 5 minutes to go, sealing the Capitals improbable comeback from a 3-1 series deficit.

Game 7, New Jersey wraps it up, wait wha?

For 58 minutes, 40 seconds, the New Jersey Devils were the better team Tuesday night. Overcoming an early soft goal through Martin Brodeur, the Devils found themselves leading by a goal with under 90 seconds to play. With the fans on their feet, the coaches congratulating themselves on the bench, and Brodeur daydreaming about violating yet another of his ex-wife's relatives, a desperate Carolina team scored on a spectacular play to tie the game with 1:20 remaining in the third.



No worries. You're the Devils, you're at home, you have the greatest playoff goalie of this generation and arguably the greatest goalie of all time in Marty Brodeur. Heck, you've dominated most of the game and the Hurricanes are going to be drained from their emotional comeback. Let's get this one to overtime and move on to round 2. Oh. Oh no.



That right there, that's not good. In fact, that's downright bad. That's Eric Staal saying "You want to fuck you're wife's sister? THIS IS HOW YOU FUCK YOUR WIFE'S SISTER! NOW GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Methinks there's going to be a lot of lonely nights on redtube this summer for Mr. Brodeur.

NHL Playoffs, Round One Recap

Round 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs wrapped up last night, and I must say it went out with a bang. My recap of the series as follows:

1 San Jose v 8 Anaheim

San Jose choked on a big fat dick again. Joe Thornton doing his best Pamela Anderson imitation below.


2 Detroit v 7 Columbus
3 Vancouver v 6 St Louis

Detroit dominates AGAIN. Vancouver doesn't suck. The Blue Jackets and Blues were probably just happy to be there.


4 Chicago v 5 Calgary

The Blackhawks emerge victorious versus fire! Actually, that's pretty cool. It's like revenge for the extermination of the people native to this land. Er, kind of.


1 Boston v 8 Montreal

The Bruins win 4 games to 0 in a series that was nowhere near as close as the final margin indicates.


4 Pittsburgh v 5 Flyers

I'm telling you man, the Penguins have fucking missiles. Also, the Flyers kind of suck.


I know what you're thinking, didn't I just skip two series? I did. 6 of the 8 series were inherently uninteresting. The other two went 7 games. Stay tuned for exciting recaps of the remaining two series.

This is why I can't be on TV

When you're a public figure, even on a shitty network that no one watches like the MLB network, you have a responsibility to filter the idiotic thoughts that pass through your brain before they spill out your mouth. Monday night Colorado's Brad Hawpe was struck in the neck by a throw as he was sliding into second base, requiring a neck brace and a free cart ride off the field. Analyzing the highlights, Matt Vasgersian said, well, he said this:



The video cut off before Vasgersian could defend himself, which was probably for the best. According to reports, Vasgersian stammered, "Look, I'm not a racist, I just think all black people look the same." While his colleagues looked on in stunned silence he added, "Eh, fuck you, I'm not wearing pants."

NHL Playoffs Bonanza!

The most exciting 32 weeks in sports kicks off tonight, the Stanley Cup Playoffs! I could give you some expert analysis about who would win based on their matchups and goaltending, but I'm lazy and you wouldn't read anyway. Instead I'll do this NCAA pool style and pick by mascots.

Eastern Conference

1 Bruins v 8 Canadiens

We have bears versus a derogatory name for people who live in Canada. I'm going with Steven Colbert on this one. Bears, er, Bruins in 4.


2 Capitals v 7 Rangers

People with guns already rule Washington, so the obvious pick in this theme would be the Rangers, but you know what? Fuck Sean Avery! Capitals in 4.


3 Devils v 6 Hurricanes

Hurricanes fuck shit up. It's what they do. Of course, Devils are minions of Satan, whereas hurricanes are tools of good. Why else would they only attack the south? Anyway, 2000-2008 taught us anything, it's that evil always beats good in real life, so look for the dark lord to best the almighty this time in a hard fought 7 game series.


4 Penguins v 5 Flyers

What the fuck is a flyer? Fuck it, I'm assuming the penguins are the bad ass ones with missiles on their back from Batman Returns, therefore they will shoot their way to victory.


Western Conference

1 Sharks v 8 Ducks

They're not even the Mighty Ducks anymore. If they were mighty, maybe, but I think we all agree the Sharks come out on top on this one. Sharks in 3. The 4th game won't happen after all the Ducks get eaten.


2 Red Wings v 7 Blue Jackets

Blue Jackets...that's too bad. If they were yellow jackets they could fuck up a bunch of wings, but the blue ones? Um, we have something that seems to be a bird versus something that sounds like I should be wearing with beige pants, so I guess I'm going with the animal over the textile this time. Let's give it Wings in 7 and just move on.


3 Canucks v 6 Blues

We have another case of a derogatory term for Canadian citizens taking on an opponent, this time...depression. Normally this would be a no brainer, as most Canadians have to be depressed enough to be living in Canada but manage to plod along. In this case Vancouver is a fucking awesome city if you ignore the unemployment and meth problem, so the Blues will be a new feeling for them. It'll be a hard fought struggle to the end, but the Blues will come out on top in 7.


4 Blackhawks v 5 Flames

Hey look, it's the one team that uses a Native American (Indian, American Indian, what are we using these days?) as a mascot that actually honors its heritage! A noble mascot with a proud name. Too bad American history taught us that the natives didn't fare too well against fire. Look for the Flames to win in a matchup that won't be as exciting as it probably should be, let's say 5 games.


I was going to keep this going down to the finals, but I lost interest. Also, I couldn't decide who would win between sharks and fire. I mean, you throw a shark in fire and I'm pretty sure it burns, but sharks live in water, which it turns out is fire's biggest weakness (except in Ohio). Needless to say, the Devils will heft Lord Stanley's cup. Fuck.

Progress

In the offseason Mets manager Jerry Manuel stressed timely hitting as an area they needed to address. He worked with his coaches to invent drills to help put his players in the correct mindset and talked to the players individually to make sure mentally they were taking the right approach at the plate. Case in point, David Wright hits the game-tying home run in the bottom of the 5th inning with two outs, giving the team new life and taking a struggling Mike Pelfrey off the hook for the loss.

Less of a priority in the offseason was defense. Case in point, the game winning run the past two games was scored after a dropped fly ball in the outfield. Last night, one of the lone holdovers from last season's crappy bullpen even balked in the winning run for good measure. On the bright side, Citifield got rave reviews from those in attendance and the crowd seemed a little more involved at key moments in the game.

Thats' a little discouraging

Johan Santana spun a masterful 7 innings, yielding 3 hits and a mere 2 unearned runs while striking out 13, so they had to win, right? RIGHT? Nope! They lost to this fucking guy!


Nope, that's not Justin Guarini, that's actually Josh Johnson of the Marlins who apparently is way better at pitching than Justin is at being Kelly Clarkson. Fuck me I know too much about American Idol. Must clear my mind. Ahhhhh, that's better.