Big Ben sacked by bye week

You've heard the jokes dozens of times before. For example:

The Mets had the day off yesterday, but lost a heartbreaker in the 10th inning after the bullpen couldn't hold a late lead. David Wright was lost for the season when he took a practice swing.

Fuck, now I'm just depressed. Anyway, Big Ben Roethlisberger was actually sacked for the 20th time this season during the bye week. When reached for comment, the large quarterback sniffled, "Fat man landed on my owie," while pointing at his chest. Presumably he meant his ribs.

October excellence

What a performance! A decorated superstar comes up huge in a 6-1 October victory over a storied opponent. I'm talking of course about Sidney Crosby's hat trick against the Montreal Canadiens. Such wizardry and confidence in one's ability around the net is really something to behold. Check out the master here.



Why, did you think I meant another dominating October performance? Oh. Video highlights here. Check out the defensive plays Lee makes around the 2:20 mark and the 2:48 mark. The Phucking Phillies have a 1-0 series lead with game 2 scheduled for tonight when noted head case Pedro Martinez takes the mound for the Phillies while noted head case A.J. Burnett starts for the Damn Yankees.

Tuesday goal of the night

I don't know why smelly Russians putting hard, rubber objects into tight spaces fascinates me so, but it's probably for the best given that I'm such a hockey fan. The Washington Capitals beat the Philadelphia Flyers last night 4-2 in a stunning come-from-behind win that my sister apparently watched from the third row. Lucky bitch. Anyway, less than 4 minutes after falling behind 2-0, the Caps stormed back to tie the game at 2. Just over 5 minutes into the third, Alexander Semin (short e, sickos) scored the game-winner on a beautiful wrist shot. Well, it looked beautiful on the replay. That'll teach me to look at porn while I'm watching a hockey game. Semin's goal is at 4:56 of the following highlight. Though the NHL chose to highlight Alexander Ovechkin's goal because, well, he's Alexander Ovechkin, trust me when the shocked look on Flyers goalie Ray Emery at about 5:11 is because Semin fired a wrist shot between the defenseman's legs and over Emery's shoulder. That was a no chancer.

Isn't Stockholm Syndrome awesome?

This is just a direct link to ESPN.com. Sorry. One of the best things they have going over there is Mayne Street, a web short starring ESPN's Kenny Mayne saying hilarious things and winding up in awkward situations. In my humble opinion, the latest episode is one of the best. It co-stars Encino's own Boston Sports Guy. Wait, what? You heard me.

He shoots he scores!

Whoever says there's not enough scoring in hockey doesn't know shit. I took my laundry out of the wash, put some in the dryer, hung some more, and I missed three fucking goals. It took less than 5 minutes!

American hockey player good at...hockey?

Patrick Kane isn't just proficient at beating up cab drivers. He can also play a little hockey. For evidence of his goal-scoring prowess, skip to 2:38.

Monday morning hangover

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This is not a recurring column in which I wrap up the previous day's football games. I am actually just hungover. I swear to fuck PBR and fried food seemed like a good idea at the time. Instead I'll just recap my favorite plays that I actually remember watching yesterday.

1. Super Mario Bros 3

Goddamn that game is fun when you're drunk and people are heckling you. I have a feeling this may become a weekly part of my football watching experience.


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2. Hakeem Nicks 62 yard touchdown reception*

Elly predictably floats a pass over his receiver's head. Rather than letting it flutter harmlessly to the ground Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie attempted to bat the ball to the ground but instead popped it up in the air. A very alert Nicks adjusted his route, caught the ball, and scampered in to the end zone. High-fives ensued.


(NOTE: for some reason there's no picture of this so here's Elly looking goofy)
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3. Adrian Peterson 29 yard catch and run

Sure it was a pretty play highlighted by Peterson absolutely pancaking the defensive back who tried to tackle him at the point of reception, but that's not why it made the list. Peterson tired himself out on this play and had to leave the game replaced by Chester Taylor. Two plays later Taylor lazily waved at a high but catch-able screen pass like a stoned kid trying to catch a butterfly. The ball went straight through his hands into the waiting arms of Keyaron Fox who returned the interception for the game clinching touchdown.


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4. LaMarr Woodley 77 fumble recovery returned for a touchdown

What made this play great? Brett Keisel's awesome strip sack of Brett Favre. Not only is strip sack a great name for, well, anything, but old man Favre looked quite old on the play, and sadly his legacy has been reduced to everyone rooting against his waffling old ass.


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*NOTE: I actually forgot all about this play until I saw a highlight of it on ESPN this morning. Again, PBR and fried food.

Shocking news

Sometimes in life things happen that you can never predict. In the sporting world, Eli Manning can run around like a scared child, his entire offensive line will hold the opposing defensive line and get away with it, he'll throw up a pass on a wing and a prayer, and David Tyree will catch the ball with his fucking helmet. You just can't predict things like this happening. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have this: Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was cited for public intoxication. How fucking drunk does Jeff Reed have to get before someone says, "You know what? NOW he's too drunk!"

Unsubstantiated rumors are the best rumors!

Peter Forsberg to the Capitals? Playing with Alexander Ovechkin and RPI alum Brian Pothier? I meant to write more but there seems to be something all over the screen making it hard to proofread.