"Don't get Kemba Walker riled"

So saith the first line from the Associated Press recap on ESPN.com of UConn's 67-59 win over Cincinnati. What did the offending fan say to get Mr. Walker so riled?

"I missed a shot and he said, 'Chris Paul wouldn't miss that shot," Walker said, referring to the New Orleans guard.

HOLE E SHIT! OH YOU DID NOT! Roll Delonte West off of LeBron James' mom, because this shit is ON!

How did Walker respond? He went on a personal 7-4 run to push a teetering 8 point lead to 11 en route to scoring 16 points, only 7 below his season average. BAM!

Ooo that's gotta hurt!

It is interesting to me. For years I always rooted for the Pittsburgh Penguins because when they gutted my beloved Hartford Whalers the Penguins were the beneficiaries. Hate the team, not the players, so they held a soft spot in my heart. Then came the rivalry with the fighting Ovechkins. Then came Matt Cooke. Then I picked San Jose to win in ESPN's streak for the cash. It was settled, I was going to root for the Sharks to beat the Penguins! In retrospect my life is boring, sad, and empty. Then again, I have a blog so I guess I already proved that. Back to the show!

First...elation! The Sharks lead 2-1 and Logan Couture has the puck at center ice with time winding down and the Penguins' net vacated for an extra attacker.

Next...disappointment! Couture shot it wide! Man, it stings just a little bit every time you miss a chance to ice a game like that. Fortunately the depleted Penguins do not have any stars like Malkin or Crosby left. They have to roll with the likes of Jordan Staal and Tyler Kennedy.



Aw, FUCK! That sure looks a whole lot like Jordan Staal celebrating Tyler Kennedy's tying goal with 40 seconds left. Sure as shit, the game goes into overtime. Patrick Marleau...breakaway to end it...SAVE by Fleury! Dammit, this one seems destined to end in a shootout.

Unless...scramble in front...Patrick Marleau!!!



Suck on that Matt Cooke!!!!

This put a smile on my face

I have a well-documented dislike for Matt Cooke, so here is a tasty little treat from last night's Capitals-Penguins game. Enjoy!

My analysis of the trade you don't care about

The Knicks were able to swing a blockbuster trade last night, preemptively landing the marquee 2011 NBA free agent Carmelo Anthony. It cost them a boatload in players and draft picks, blowing up the core of the team that was sitting in 6th place in the Eastern Conference. Keep in mind that 6th place is light years ahead of where they have been finishing thanks to the disastrous Isiah Thomas regime.

The details of the trade you can find on ESPN.com. I will not lie, the team got a lot older and lost some depth. They are now entirely dependant on Amar'e Stoudemire's knees staying healthy and Carmelo Anthony staying interested. With the new collective bargaining agreement likely to severely limit teams' budgets going forward, the team will be tied to their two stars and whatever cheap players they can pick off the scrap heap.

Fuck it, I love the trade! They only gave up THREE draft picks to get Carmelo Anthony? Only ONE of them is a first-rounder? Thomas must be hopping mad right now! He would have offered at least the rest of the Knicks' first round picks for the decade. What are they going to use them for anyway? They have a superstar with a fragile psyche and another with chronically bad knees. DYNASTY!

ESPN's hit of the night

Slow news day for me since I have not had television since I got home last night. Fortunately I had plenty of beer so I was mostly able to suppress my homicidal rages. I did do terrible, terrible things to that one guy, but since he was a picture printed on a beer label I am pretty sure the authorities will let it slide.

The video below is Alexander Ovechkin laying the boom down on on Douglas Murray which is awesome on a couple of levels. First of all it is an illegal hit since he led with the elbow and the narrator of the clip goes so far as to call it a "forearm shiver" and mentions Ovechkin received a penalty for the hit. Second the guy he hits played hockey at Cornell and FUCK Cornell. Dicks.

Miguel Cabrera loves the sauce

Miguel Cabrera has been arrested for being drunk again. This time he was caught sipping scotch behind the wheel of his car which was sitting on the side of the road with smoke coming from the engine. That right there folks is balls of steel. Imagine sitting at your steering wheel on the side of the road when a cop comes up and knocks on your window.

"Hello sir or madam, have you been drinking?"
You take a swig from a bottle of scotch. "Nope."

This is not Mr. Cabrera's first tango with public officials and drunkeness. Back during the 2009 postseason, Cabrera was arrested for a domestic dispute when he showed up to their hotel drunk at 6 AM. Bitch, what is your PROBLEM? After an offseason of treatment, Cabrera said in an interview, "You guys write in the paper 'alcoholic.' That's not right. I don't know how to explain, but it's not an alcohol problem."

That's right, we angry drunks NEVER have a problem when we are drinking. It's the cold, gripping reality of sobriety that fucks everything up.

Kemba Walker is a fan of the NBA

What do you do when you have picked up your dribble 18 feet from the basket and have no shot and no one to pass it to? Well if you are UConn star Kemba Walker you simply lob the ball off the backboard to yourself and smoothly lay the ball in for two points. ESPN's Andy Katz asked how much he was thinking of LeBron James who pulled a similar move against the Pacers a couple of nights ago. Walker responded by saying he actually thinking of Kobe Bryant, who has done it a few times himself. Throwing it through the FUGO translator, I am pretty sure Kemba is saying, "No I do not model myself after LeBron, he screwed an entire city. Now Kobe, he only screwed that one girl in Colorado."

What the hell???

According to ESPN.com, the Turkish federation has lifted the ban on former UConn star Diana Taurasi. According to the article:

The Turkish Basketball Federation said the lab retracted its report after it "evaluated" Taurasi's statements in her defense. The federation did not say whether the lab made a mistake.

Sounds like it is an interesting conversation:

Turkish lab: "I'm sorry Ms. Taurasi but you tested positive for modafinil."
Ms. Taurasi: "Bullshit! I never took that! Test the B sample!"
Turkish lab: "I'm sorry Ms. Taurasi but your B sample tested positive as well."
Ms. Taurasi: "Bullshit! I never took that! Your testing sucks!"
Turkish lab: "Well she has us there. I guess we can retract our findings. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Of course, the other possibility is their lab really does suck. Taurasi's teammates refused to let them test their blood, and the lab was forced to retract a positive result for Monique Coker who also tested positive for modafinil.

Maya Moore is pretty

In this particular case, when I say pretty I mean her basketball game is a thing of beauty. In the highlights from ESPN below, the show a little of her scoring by her sweet, sweet jumper and her patented scoop move as she glides to the rim. It does not show how effortlessly she dominates a game. When her jumper is working, she will score whenever she wants from anywhere on the floor. Try to throw extra defenders at her and she finds the open teammate, usually for an uncontested layup. Despite all the talent and beauty, she still does the dirty work such as diving onto the floor after loose balls (*snicker*).

Moore is frequently compared to ghosts from UConn's storied past, most notably Diana Taurasi. She is also unfairly subjected to speculation as to how she would fare on a men's basketball team. The great thing to do right now is to appreciate her stature in the game today, relish every opportunity you get to watch her perform at the highest level, and hope she stays the hell out of Turkey.

Awww, fuck beans!

Proving why he has long been my heartthrob, Peter Forsberg finished much too quickly and once again re-retired from the NHL. Speculation is his chronically injured right foot gave him more trouble than it was worth. My favorite rumor for his brief comeback is that he got sick of banging hot Swedish women, and wanted to have one more romp through Nashville before he left for good. Of course I started that rumor so there is a greater than average chance it is not true.

Goalie fight????

GOALIE FIGHT!!!! Wait, am I starting to repeat myself? FUGO favorite Brent Johnson was at it again as Islanders enforcer Michael Haley decided to step up for his glass-jawed fallen goaltender and take on "Iron" Brent in a fight-marred blowout victory over the Penguins. It actually makes a little bit of sense. With the trade of backup Dwayne Roloson and the loss Rick "Paper Mache" DiPietro, the Islanders could not afford to sacrifice another goaltender to Johnson's iron fists.



In other news, the Peter Forsberg comeback tour kicked off last night and our hero valiantly allowed the spotlight to shine on Columbus' Rick Nash in a 3-1 loss to the Blue Jackets. Not wanting to give us too much too early, Forsberg held himself to a single shot in just under 18 minutes of ice time. That did not prevent Avalanche coach Joe Sacco from gushing, "He was arguably our best player tonight." Well obviously...

In other news

There has been a heavy dose of hockey highlights in the latest reboot of the blog. This is partly because there has been a recent uptick in the number of goalie fights in the NHL the past couple of weeks and goalie fights are fucking awesome. It is also because the namesakes of this blog are well and truly fucked. It is hard to get excited for your favorite baseball team's chances when you read quotes like this one from Jayson Stark's off-season recap:

But the bottom line is that the Mets had a laugh track of an offseason. A two-year contract to D.J. Carrasco, after he got non-tendered? A major league deal for Ronny Paulino while he was still serving a PED suspension? A bargain bin full of Boof Bonsers and Willie Harrises and Taylor Tankersleys? A hunt for inning-eating starters that led to the signings of Chris Capuano and Chris Young, two guys who have spent a combined 720 days on the disabled list over the past three seasons?

How about this one from Buster Only's latest blog post (insider only):

And meanwhile, the Mets' revenue stream has shriveled substantially because of diminished ticket sales. The decline of the Mets' coffers is to the point that some owners wonder if the team will be asked to contribute to the sport's revenue sharing fund -- which is almost unthinkable, given the Mets' standing in the sport's largest market.

The simple fact of the matter is the team is buried under a mountain of debt and until they either find a way out or sell the team, there might be some dark days in Flushing.

On the bright side this happened!!!!!!!!#%%@#%!^^^!%%!!!!^$!^


Sorry about that, the ejaculate button got stuck on my keyboard.

Jordan Staal is doing well

Last night after just missing a spectacular game-winning wrap-around in the waning seconds of regulation, Jordan Staal scored an unspectacular game-winner in the waning seconds of overtime. Seriously, Jonathan Quick is going to puke when he watches that on film. I mean I assume he will be exceedingly hung over or drunk because hockey players drink a lot.

Not pictured in the video below were the two ace chances he had to end the game earlier in overtime. You might notice that Staal played a rather prominent role in this game. With no timetable set for Sydney Crosby's return and Evgeni Malkin likely to miss the rest of the season, it falls on Staals shoulders to help maintain the team's success, and maybe even earn the owners some much-needed playoff revenue.

Matt Cooke is a bitch

On Sunday I was jumping up and down hootin' and hollerin' about a Matt Cooke cheapshot on Alexander Ovechkin when it looked to me like Cooke clearly targeted Ovechkin's knee. In his next game Cooke earned himself a four-game suspension by hitting Columbus' Fedor Tyutin from behind and driving him into the boards.

As reported on Deadspin, Cooke has a long history of taking cheap shots at star players. The Deadspin clip is edited from a longer rant Don Cherry spewed after Cooke's blind side hit to Boston's Marc Savard. Savard suffered a major concussion as a result of the hit, the lingering effects of which continue to sideline Savard over a year later.

All of this is a setup of the video below which is a clear demonstration of why Cooke never picks on anyone his own size. He targets Evander Kane of the Atlanta Thrashers, a man named for Evander Holyfield who for one glorious moment lived up to his moniker.



Stick to the goal scorers Cookie, even though it is way more fun for the fans when you get knocked the fuck out.

Goalie fight???

GOALIE FIGHT!!!!



Well...kind of. See what happens here is Thomas kind of grabs onto Price with both hands, then they dance around for a bit, then Price goes for a wild, roundhouse right and Thomas falls down. It was not exactly Mike Vernon versus Patrick Roy, but still...Original Six goalie fight!!! Tim Thomas on his big moment via the Boston Globe:

“It was getting into an outnumbered situation,’’ said Thomas, called to duty when Price left his crease to join the jostling. “That’s what I was thinking when I was getting down there. He was more than willing to fight. I had this big old plan. I was going to grab his right, then I was going to throw lefts, because I know he’s bigger and taller than me and has the reach on me. I thought I could do a better job of throwing lefts than him. When we went to grab, he got a good hold of my right arm and I got nothing. So then I was like, ‘Now what do I do?’ He’s got a big right cocked and ready to come.’’

Now that is the definition of standing up, er falling down, for your teammates! He may have let in six goals last night but Thomas showed that with the exception of stopping the puck, he was willing to do whatever it takes to win!

Just call me the prognosticator!

I jokingly reported in a previous post that Rick DiPietro would probably miss some time with a concussion after getting his lunch handed to him by Pittsburgh's Brent Johnson. It turns out I was only wrong on the injury and the length of time DiPietro will miss, although I suppose that remains to be seen. As reported on Islanders.com and read on Deadspin, DiPietro will miss at least a month with facial fractures and knee swelling. The moral of the story is if you are ever going to steal Mike Tyson's tiger make sure you have Brent Johnson on your side because he is a bad motherfucker!

My take on the Wilpon/Madoff mess

Holy, fucking shit I could not possibly care less. Seriously, take a shit on a plate, find a rabbi to bless it, then lock it in a room with a coked out Charlie Sheen and a porn star. That is how much interest I hold in the financial stakes of the Mets owners. Am I going to punch a pregnant lady in the stomach when Reyes ends up on the Yankees next year? Probably, but let's face it, the bitch had it coming.

The Mets have had a top 5 payroll for a decade and it got them a lot more Ollie Perezzes and Luis Castillos than it did playoff appearances. Are the Wilpons shitty owners who will never be able to bring a championship to the Mets? Again probably, but that's what people thought about King George until the Yankees started winning every year.

Don't get me wrong, I would love for Mark Cuban to come riding in a white horse to save the franchise. He seems like the type that is savvy enough to invest in smart baseball people, overpay in the draft for superior talent, and hire a training staff capable of keeping players healthy. Plus there is at least a 3000% chance he would end up fighting Jimmy Rollins at some point. That being said it has zero effect on the 2011 season and if my liver is any indication, that is the only season that really matters.

Old time hockey

The video pretty much speaks for itself. The thing is, Dallas is actually a really good hockey team this year, despite what they showed last night.

In other hockey news...

Johan "the Mule" Franzen became the first hockey player in over 3 years and only the fifth player since 1994-95 to net 5 goals in a single game. With an awesome nickname like "the Mule" and a game reminscent of Peter Forsberg's, Franzen could easily be one of my favorite players in the NHL if only he didn't play for the fucking Red Wings. Fuck Detroit and their shitty cars, their white rappers, their Stanley Cup winning hockey teams and their pitchers who nearly throw perfect games. What's that, the fifth goal came on an empty net? Weak. Highlights here if you care.

Goalie fight????

GOALIE FIGHT!!!



Ah...so THAT'S why goalies don't fight. Poor DiPietro. He'll probably miss 3 years with a concussion now.

UPDATE

This might be the greatest web page that doesn't involve midget porn.