Lineup Error Forces Rays Manager to Manage

Accidentally listing two third basemen on his lineup in Sunday's game against the Cleveland Indians forced Tampa D**** Rays manager Joe Maddon to bat his pitcher in the #3 hole. When reached for comment, a panicked Maddon lamented, "Fuck me, you mean I have to pay attention? I'm out of my league, man, I mean I completely fucked up the NL games in the World Series last year. Not to mention the hooker said I still have to pay her even though I won't get the quality time we usually get into the 7th inning." He then ran off muttering something about a double switch.

SHOCKING news

The Phoenix Coyotes have filed for bankruptcy. Billionaire Jim Balsillie has offered to buy the team on the condition he can move them to Southern Ontario. Man, who would have thought that hockey would fail in the desert? I'm sure it was helpful that the team never once advanced past the first round of the playoffs, a tournament they failed to qualify for since 2002.

Anything you can do I can do better

Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin did their best dueling banjos imitation last night, notching matching hat tricks in Washington's 4-3 victory. Obviously Crosby would be the smarmy northerner who can't keep up and Ovechkin is the southerner with no teeth but more talent. As is always the case in these situations, the game came down to David Steckel. Wait, who? I guess he's the dancing yokel. I don't know, this fell apart a lot faster than I thought it would.

Elisha Cuthbert has been avenged!

We've all seen the movie Sudden Death. OK, some people have seen Sudden Death. Fuck, even I haven't seen Sudden Death, but the premise of the movie is Jean Claude Van Damme dons the goalie equipment for an injured Pittsburgh Penguin and steps on the ice to make a key save in game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. Also, there's bad guys and martial arts and in a surprise twist Van Damme kicks the shit out of everyone and saves the day. But that's just a movie right? I mean, shit like that doesn't happen in real life, does it? Au contraire mon ami! Meet Jack Bauer, all 5'9" of him.


When Jack appears, your day is about to get FUCKED UP, and there's nothing you can do. Agent Bauer took extreme offense to the off color remarks Sean Avery made about the actress who plays his daughter on TV and he wasn't about to let some damned Russians avenge her honor. OH NO! During a 3rd period TV timeout, Bauer jumped Sergei Federov on the bench, knocked him clean out and donned his equipment. So disguised, Bauerov calmly fired the game-winning goal just under the crossbar with 5 minutes to go, sealing the Capitals improbable comeback from a 3-1 series deficit.

Game 7, New Jersey wraps it up, wait wha?

For 58 minutes, 40 seconds, the New Jersey Devils were the better team Tuesday night. Overcoming an early soft goal through Martin Brodeur, the Devils found themselves leading by a goal with under 90 seconds to play. With the fans on their feet, the coaches congratulating themselves on the bench, and Brodeur daydreaming about violating yet another of his ex-wife's relatives, a desperate Carolina team scored on a spectacular play to tie the game with 1:20 remaining in the third.



No worries. You're the Devils, you're at home, you have the greatest playoff goalie of this generation and arguably the greatest goalie of all time in Marty Brodeur. Heck, you've dominated most of the game and the Hurricanes are going to be drained from their emotional comeback. Let's get this one to overtime and move on to round 2. Oh. Oh no.



That right there, that's not good. In fact, that's downright bad. That's Eric Staal saying "You want to fuck you're wife's sister? THIS IS HOW YOU FUCK YOUR WIFE'S SISTER! NOW GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Methinks there's going to be a lot of lonely nights on redtube this summer for Mr. Brodeur.

NHL Playoffs, Round One Recap

Round 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs wrapped up last night, and I must say it went out with a bang. My recap of the series as follows:

1 San Jose v 8 Anaheim

San Jose choked on a big fat dick again. Joe Thornton doing his best Pamela Anderson imitation below.


2 Detroit v 7 Columbus
3 Vancouver v 6 St Louis

Detroit dominates AGAIN. Vancouver doesn't suck. The Blue Jackets and Blues were probably just happy to be there.


4 Chicago v 5 Calgary

The Blackhawks emerge victorious versus fire! Actually, that's pretty cool. It's like revenge for the extermination of the people native to this land. Er, kind of.


1 Boston v 8 Montreal

The Bruins win 4 games to 0 in a series that was nowhere near as close as the final margin indicates.


4 Pittsburgh v 5 Flyers

I'm telling you man, the Penguins have fucking missiles. Also, the Flyers kind of suck.


I know what you're thinking, didn't I just skip two series? I did. 6 of the 8 series were inherently uninteresting. The other two went 7 games. Stay tuned for exciting recaps of the remaining two series.

This is why I can't be on TV

When you're a public figure, even on a shitty network that no one watches like the MLB network, you have a responsibility to filter the idiotic thoughts that pass through your brain before they spill out your mouth. Monday night Colorado's Brad Hawpe was struck in the neck by a throw as he was sliding into second base, requiring a neck brace and a free cart ride off the field. Analyzing the highlights, Matt Vasgersian said, well, he said this:



The video cut off before Vasgersian could defend himself, which was probably for the best. According to reports, Vasgersian stammered, "Look, I'm not a racist, I just think all black people look the same." While his colleagues looked on in stunned silence he added, "Eh, fuck you, I'm not wearing pants."